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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29768349">rigor samsa</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny'>andtheny</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Five is a problem solver [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Drama, Armchair Therapy, Childhood Trauma, Codependency, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Baggage, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, Gen, Hallucinations, Jealousy, POV Multiple, Panicking. A lot of panicking, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Power Dynamics, Protective Siblings, Psychologists &amp; Psychiatrists, Sibling Rivalry, Stressed Number Five | The Boy, Time Travel, Violent and Graphic Imagery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:28:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,489</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29768349</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're at war with yourself," Vanya said. "Think of it like… therapy is like peace talks between countries in conflict. We want to sign a treaty." </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "Not a bad analogy."</p><p>___________________</p><p>Or, Five goes to therapy.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dolores &amp; Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy &amp; Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy &amp; The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy &amp; Vanya Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Five is a problem solver [17]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Do. Not. Panic.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>― Leonard Bernstein</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>During their last family meeting, it was agreed: Ben was not allowed to get on any planes. </p><p>It had been about eight weeks since the 4th Apocalypse Glitch, but Five said there wasn't a pattern. He was certain that, if the Glitch kicked in while Ben was on a plane, Ben would fall to his death. </p><p>So, no planes. </p><p>But Ben still wanted to go to California for his half of the Mother's Day visit with Old Five. </p><p>It was decided: they would drive to Cleveland and Old Five would meet them there. He claimed the large spatial jump would be easy and left it at that. </p><p>When Vanya tried to question him, he got defensive. She decided to let it go. </p><p>Meanwhile, Allison was extending her trip in New York and was being just as cagey about the reason.</p><p><em>Some things are none of my business,</em> Vanya told herself sternly. <em>Boundaries are important. </em></p><p>But then she ignored herself. </p><p>“So I've been wondering," Vanya said. "How will Five get to Cleveland? Didn’t he say he needs to know the place before he can get there?” </p><p>She was behind the wheel and Ben was in the backseat with Claire.</p><p>Vanya kept an eye on Ben through the rearview mirror for a reaction, but he didn't even twitch. </p><p>“Five has been everywhere,” Claire said. “The whole wide world is his oyster.”  </p><p>“But he doesn’t remember being everywhere,” Vanya said. “Did he tell you anything about it, Ben?” </p><p>“Can we talk about this later?” Ben said. </p><p><em>He knows something,</em> Vanya thought. <em>But I shouldn't pick a fight in front of Claire. </em></p><p>“Is it just me,” Claire said. “Or is Baby Five the evil twin?” </p><p>Affronted by the suggestion, Vanya started to turn around to address Claire, but Ben quickly said, “Keep your eyes on the road!” </p><p>Reluctantly, Vanya faced forward. </p><p>“Claire,” Vanya said. “It’s very rude to call someone evil.” </p><p>“Baby Five loves you,” Ben said. “He just… he isn’t as patient. Because he’s a kid.” </p><p>“He’s wrong about the Transformers," Claire huffed.</p><p>Vanya frowned. “Um… the robot cartoon?” </p><p>“No, Claire,” Ben said. “You’re the one who’s wrong.” </p><p>“They don’t <em>look</em> like aliens,” Claire said. “And the Crystal Gems don’t <em>look</em> like robots. They’re not robots!” </p><p>“Oh,” Vanya said. “So you had a fight over technicalities?” </p><p>“At the end of the day,” Ben said. “A cartoon is a cartoon. I don’t want to burn bridges over it.” </p><p>“But you’re taking Baby Five’s side,” Claire said. “It’s not fair.” </p><p>“Because an alien can be a robot,” Ben said. “And a robot can be an alien. They’re not binary.” </p><p>“But-”</p><p>“It’s in the Transformers backstory,” Ben said. “They’re not from Earth. It’s canon.” </p><p>They were at a red light now, so it was safe for Vanya to turn around. “Claire, you shouldn't… um, you should be kind to your family.” </p><p>“I <em>am</em> kind,” Claire said. “Everyone else is being mean to me.” </p><p>“I’m not trying to be mean,” Ben said. “I just think you’ve got a really strict way of categorizing things?” </p><p>“That’s common for her age group,” Vanya said. “Maybe let it go?” </p><p>Ben frowned at her. “The light is green, Vanya.” </p><p>Vanya decided it was impossible to argue and drive at the same time. </p><p>She focused on the road and let them bicker as much as they wanted. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They dropped the car off at the airport in Cleveland because it was the only place that wouldn’t tow it. Then Five picked them up, pulling all three through a spatial jump to L.A. </p><p>“I missed you <em>so</em> much,” Claire told him. “You’re my favorite!”  </p><p>Five put his hands on his hips. “Did you behave yourself, missy?” </p><p>“Yes, I <em>did,”</em> Claire said. </p><p>“A likely story,” Five said. “Yet my sources say something different.” </p><p><em>Which sources?</em> Vanya thought. <em>Allison? But Diego says they're fighting...</em></p><p>“They’re lying,” Claire said. “I’m an angel.” </p><p>“That so?” Five said. “Ben, can you corroborate?” </p><p>Claire pouted cutely, so Ben smiled and said, “She’s an angel.” </p><p>“Hmm,” Five said. “Vanya?” </p><p>Claire directed her puppy dog eyes Vanya’s way. </p><p>“The most angelic,” Vanya said. “Though she and the other Five can’t agree about their cartoons.” </p><p>“An innocent disagreement,” Ben said. “Not bad behavior, necessarily.” </p><p>“And I completed my mission,” Claire said. “I gave everyone lots of hugs and kisses like you said, Five!”</p><p>Ben gasped. “You mean those weren’t genuine hugs and kisses?”  </p><p>Claire giggled. “Both can be true?"  </p><p>Five smiled. “Astute observation, Claire.” </p><p>“That means really smart, right?” Claire wriggled with excitement. “Did I get it right? Did I?” </p><p>“You did,” Five said. “You deserve a reward.” </p><p>“Yes!” Claire said. “I want hugs! Give me a hug!” </p><p>Five did so and Claire reciprocated with gusto, squeezing with the kind of enthusiasm only a nine year old could muster. </p><p>It was sweet, but Vanya couldn’t forget the discomfort with hugs that Five had described when he’d regained his memories. </p><p><em>I am forever forcing myself,</em> Five had said. <em>Because I love you. </em></p><p>It was the saddest thing she’d ever heard. </p><p>“I don’t want to go home,” Claire said. “Can I stay? For a little longer? Just a little bit?” </p><p>“I’m afraid not,” Five said. “Your dad is already on his way.”</p><p>“He can stay too,” Claire said. “Since Mom isn’t here there won’t be any fights.” </p><p>“You can ask him,” Five said. “But I don’t think he’d like that.” </p><p>“He <em>will</em> like it,” Claire said.</p><p>Vanya made eye contact with Ben, whose face was unreadable. But they didn’t really have to talk to agree about Patrick. The man was unfriendly. He tried, especially for holidays, but it was obvious that he disliked them.  </p><p><em>We're the weirdo half of the family,</em> Vanya thought. <em>But at least we’re polite when it counts. </em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Unsurprisingly, Patrick did not want to stay. He firmly told Claire that it was a school night and ended the argument with that. She almost threw a tantrum over it, but Five pulled her aside and whispered something that calmed her down. </p><p>It was interesting to see how well the two of them were getting along. </p><p>And it would be petty to get jealous over it, so Vanya decided not to be jealous. She was a better person now. They were no longer the children who had been encouraged to climb over each other for love and approval. </p><p>Still, Vanya couldn't help but begrudge the way Five's demeanor changed as soon as Claire was gone. </p><p>He frowned at them and said, “Something is amiss.” </p><p>Ben looked as nervous as a guilty child.</p><p>“Amiss?” </p><p>“It’s unusual,” Five said. “You’re suddenly afraid of planes? I don’t buy it.” </p><p><em>The jig is up!</em> Vanya thought.</p><p>It was the perfect excuse for telling him the truth. </p><p>“We decided it would be easier to tell you that,” Vanya said. “But it’s not the real explanation.” </p><p>“Dammit, Vanya,” Ben said. “You cracked too easily.” </p><p>“Let’s hear the real explanation,” Five said. </p><p>“I’ll tell you,” Vanya said. “But I want to exchange information for information.” </p><p>Ben sighed. </p><p>“Go on,” Five said. </p><p>“How did you make the jump to Cleveland?” Vanya said. “Do you remember spending any time there? Ever?” </p><p>Five chuckled. “I accept the exchange, but you go first.” </p><p>“No,” Vanya said. “You go first.” </p><p>“You guys are killing me,” Ben said. </p><p>Five looked confused. “Why would you be happy about this?” </p><p>“No,” Ben said. “I’m not using the word that way this time.” </p><p>“Ah,” Five said. “Some words are their own antonyms. I hate that though. It’s needlessly confusing. Might I suggest-” </p><p>“Focus,” Vanya said. “How did you get to Cleveland?” </p><p>Five crossed his arms together. “I won’t go first.” </p><p>“Then we’re at a stalemate,” Vanya said. “Because I won’t explain Ben’s fake fear of planes unless you do.” </p><p>“Oh, I see," Five said. "This is actually about maintaining the secret?” </p><p>“No,” Vanya said. “It’s about opening a dialogue.” </p><p>“If you really wanted a dialogue,” Five said. “you would be willing to go first.” </p><p>“Can’t we just have a good time?” Ben said. “The plane thing isn't a big deal."</p><p>"Isn't it?" Five said. "I suspect it's related to the mystery problem that may or may not have been solved when my memories may <em>or may not</em> have been temporarily returned to me." </p><p>"I knew you would dwell on it," Vanya said. </p><p>"Wouldn't you?" Five said. "I feel like the protagonist of my own personal Truman Show."</p><p>"Don't say that," Ben said. "That's not true." </p><p>"I have no way of knowing," Five said. "But fine. You want to have a good time? Let's have a good time." </p><p>"We don't have to have a good time," Vanya said. "I'll still love you even if we have a bad one?" </p><p>Five snorted. </p><p>"Fine, I'll say it!" Ben said. "I can't get on planes because of the Apocalypse Glitch." </p><p>Vanya sighed. There went her leverage. </p><p>Five, meanwhile, had gone completely still. </p><p>"It's because of the Commission," Ben said. "Um, they're an organization that-" </p><p>"Stop." Five rubbed at his temples. "That's enough." </p><p>"Are you okay?" Vanya said. </p><p>Five took a small step back. Then he seemed to realize this would give him away and stepped forward. </p><p>"I'm fine," Five said. "Should we watch a movie?" </p><p>"You're worrying me," Ben said. </p><p>"I thought you wanted a good time?" Five said. "Which is it?" </p><p>"You lost all interest in the mystery?" Vanya said. "Why would you stop him like that?" </p><p>"Listen to me carefully," Five said. "Discussions about the Commission, or the Apocalypse Glitch, are strictly forbidden." </p><p>Vanya blinked. </p><p>"Goddammit," Ben said. "Go away, Dolores!" </p><p>"It's not my choice," Five said. "I can't turn it on or off." </p><p>The shift was as jarring as it was unbelievable. Vanya could only stand there and stare, unable to react. </p><p>"He's going to blame us," Ben said. "He's already paranoid and you're confusing him!" </p><p><em>"You're</em> the ones confusing him," Five said. "If you would just keep your goddamn story straight-" </p><p>"Wait," Vanya said. "Wait, wait, wait." </p><p>"It's simple," Five said. "It's a neurological response to… the crisis. He can't handle the truth, so I get shunted to the driver's seat."  </p><p>"How do you know he can't handle it?" Ben said. "Can't you give him a chance?" </p><p>Five glared at the ceiling. "I. Cannot. Control it."</p><p>"Wait!" Vanya said. "Five?" </p><p>Five looked at her warily. "Yes?" </p><p>"How long do you have?" </p><p>"I don't know," Five said. "There isn't a discernable pattern." </p><p>"You're lying," Vanya said. </p><p>"The pattern is the Glitch," Ben said. "Isn't it? But I thought this only kicked in whenever you were physically stuck in the Apocalypse." </p><p>"That's usually the case," Five said.</p><p>"How many exceptions have their been?" Vanya said. "Is this the first time since Allison tried to undo the Rumor?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. </p><p>"But how many times-"</p><p>"That's irrelevant," Five said. "Just know that it's rare." </p><p>"You knew it would wear off," Vanya said. "That night at the park. You tried to tell me, right?" </p><p>"Correct," Five said. "But Ben is right. The whole affair was distressing for Five. We should do our best to avoid this kind of thing." </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "You deserve to be here." </p><p>"It's not really him," Ben said. "It's Dolores." </p><p>"Dolores is the third Five," Vanya said. "So it <em>is</em> him. It's the <em>real</em> him." </p><p>"The new Five is real too," Ben said. "And we have to take care of him. Dolores, is he scared?" </p><p>"He's not scared," Five said. "Only a bit frustrated." </p><p>"I'm frustrated too," Vanya said. "You need to go to therapy. You need to figure out how to merge all the personalities." </p><p>"No," Five said. "It's better this way." </p><p>"That's bullshit!" </p><p>Ben flinched and covered his ears. That was how Vanya knew she'd gotten too loud. </p><p>Five, meanwhile, didn't outwardly react. He was as still as a statue.</p><p>Vanya took a couple of deep breaths and they both waited for her to get herself under control. </p><p>Then Five said, "You have two choices." </p><p>"What choices?" Ben said. </p><p>"We watch a movie," Five said. "Or I leave the premises." </p><p>Vanya glared at him but bit back a response. </p><p>"You can't do that," Ben said. "You can't leave." </p><p>"I'm trying to be amendable," Five said. "Then again, wouldn't Five be less suspicious of you if he woke up alone in an unfamiliar location? He would have no one to blame but me." </p><p>"That's not a solution," Ben said. "Please don't do that." </p><p>"Then pick a fucking movie," Five said. </p><p>"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," Vanya said. "I want to watch that." </p><p>"Good," Five said. "I'm glad we're on the same page." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When the movie was over, they had lunch. </p><p>Figuring it would be unreasonable to eat in complete silence, Vanya wanted to know who they were talking to.</p><p>"What do you remember?" Vanya said. "Which Five is… is with us right now?" </p><p>Five sighed. "I'm still the third Five." </p><p>"Does it usually last this long?" Ben said. </p><p>"The longest on record was under Allison's interference," Five said. "I was honestly rather surprised. But I suspected that, should I fall asleep, I wouldn't be waking up as… this version of myself." </p><p>"That's why you wanted to talk to me that night," Vanya said. "Because you knew you were running out of time." </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "I suppose it's likely that I'll be stuck like this until I fall asleep as well? But I couldn't tell you for sure." </p><p>"Then can I ask you some questions?" Vanya said. "Please?" </p><p>Five frowned at his food. </p><p>"Let him eat first," Ben said. </p><p>"This is important," Vanya said. "He could slip back into amnesia at any second." </p><p>"Ask your questions," Five said. </p><p>"Cleveland," Vanya said. "That's an easy one, right? Did you… did he tell Ben?" </p><p>"Don't drag me into it," Ben said. </p><p>"Fine," Five said. "I helped Five jump to Cleveland. Satisfied?" </p><p>"But did he tell Ben?" Vanya said. "Does he trust Ben more than he trusts me?" </p><p>Ben frowned at her. "Are you trying to turn this into a competition?" </p><p>"He doesn't trust Ben," Five said. "He barely forgave Ben for telling you about... Dolores." </p><p>Ben sighed. </p><p>"He said he trusts Luther," Vanya said. "He said Luther is the only person he would trust from now on." </p><p>"What are you getting at?" Five said. </p><p>"Can you tell me what I did wrong?" Vanya said. "Can you just… does he hate me?" </p><p>Five pinched the bridge of his nose. </p><p>"This is unhealthy," Ben said. </p><p>"Shut up," Vanya said. </p><p>"Don't be like this, Vanya," Five said. </p><p>"I'm sorry," Vanya said. "But can't you tell me? What does he think of me?" </p><p>"You're family," Five said. "That's what he thinks."</p><p>"But-" </p><p>"Stop it," Five said. "Ben is right. This is unhealthy." </p><p>"Alright," Vanya said. "Last question." </p><p>Five waved her on. </p><p>"If you merged all of the personalities together," Vanya said "you'd get to keep all the memories. Why wouldn't you want that? The other Five wants them, so why are you blocking him?" </p><p>"I'm not purposely blocking him," Five said. "It's instinctual. A neurological reflex." </p><p>"But you're enabling it," Ben said. "Aren't you?" </p><p>Five shrugged. </p><p>"Please go to therapy," Vanya said. "They can help you." </p><p>"It's not up to <em>me,</em> now is it?" Five said. "Save your energy for the innocent Five." </p><p>"Innocent?" Ben said. "Why call him innocent?" </p><p>"It's simple," Five said. "His hands are clean." </p><p>"Is this about your time at the Commission?" Vanya said. "You feel guilty about the assassinations?" </p><p>"Sure," Five said. "So why shouldn't we leave the innocent Five in peace? Why stain his hands?" </p><p>"They're the same hands," Ben murmured. </p><p>"I am going to eat," Five said. "I'm done talking." </p><p>Vanya sighed. "Alright."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Things were awkward for a while, but Five was trying really hard to be nice. The three of them took turns playing various games from chess to Chinese checkers to shogi. When that lost its appeal Five asked Vanya to play the violin. </p><p>"I didn't bring my violin," Vanya said. "I'm sorry." </p><p>"I can get it for you," Five said. "It's in your apartment, right? I'll blink over and grab it." </p><p>"Isn't that dangerous?" Ben said. "You didn't want to get close to New York, remember? Because of Baby Five?" </p><p>Five shifted uncomfortably. "You're not wrong. But I'll be quick?" </p><p>"The music comforts him, Ben," Vanya said. "It's important." </p><p>"I brought the book we've been reading," Ben said. "That comforts him too. Right, Five?" </p><p>"That's the safer option," Five said. "You're right, of course. I don't know what I was thinking." </p><p>"Is it really as dangerous as you say it is?" Vanya said. "If the paradox doesn't really exist, then why-" </p><p>"There <em>is</em> a paradox," Five said. "I didn't say there wasn't." </p><p>"Can we talk about something else?" Ben said. "I'll get the book and we can-" </p><p>"Wait," Vanya said. "Five, you're contradicting yourself again." </p><p>Five sighed. </p><p>"You said the paradox was bullshit," Vanya said. "Remember? That night-" </p><p>"I said the <em>Grandfather</em> Paradox was bullshit," Five said. "There's still a paradox. Of a different nature." </p><p>"A different nature?" Ben said. </p><p>"Please," Vanya said. "Can you explain?" </p><p>"It's called the Bootstrap Paradox," Five said. "It's simple: my existence confounds the logic of the existing timeline." </p><p>"Because it contradicts Baby Five's trajectory," Ben said. "You've already said that." </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "By the logic of the Grandfather Paradox, I would have vanished as soon as we saved the world. As you can clearly see, I didn't vanish." </p><p>"But you can't link your life with Baby Five's," Vanya said. "He won't grow up to become you. You'll be two separate people for the rest of your lives, right?" </p><p>"Exactly," Five said. "So I am a man without a past. Without a <em>physical</em> past. Mathematically, I might as well have burst into existence from Zeus's forehead." </p><p>"Like Athena?" Vanya said. "She was a wise warrior who-" </p><p>"Don't analyze it," Five said. "I'm only saying the Bootstrap Paradox is the explanation for why I'm still alive. I'm like a typo." </p><p>"Don't say that," Ben said. "You're not a typo." </p><p>"I was 'born' ex nihilo," Five said. "It's fascinating, in a way. It led me to a new theory on the mysterious origin of God." </p><p>Vanya blinked. </p><p>"God?" Ben echoed. </p><p>"All my life," Five said. "I was a firm atheist. How could I not be? The existence of a God went against all logic." </p><p>"Wait," Vanya said. "We've gotten off topic." </p><p>"Let him talk," Ben said. </p><p>"That's alright," Five said. "I wouldn't want to listen to an old man's crackpot theories either, if I were you." </p><p>"Please," Ben said. "Keep going. Please." </p><p>Ben elbowed her. </p><p>"Sorry," Vanya said. "I want to hear the rest." </p><p>"It's just a theory," Five said. "What if God was a time traveler?" </p><p>"Wow," Ben said. "That is <em>not</em> what I was expecting." </p><p>"You don't mean a literal god, right?" Vanya said. "Not an immortal and omnipotent deity?" </p><p>"Of course not," Five said. "That would be ridiculous." </p><p>"Okay, back up," Ben said. "So… the universe was created by a normal dude?" </p><p>"This version of it," Five said. "Perhaps by several 'dudes.' An organization of unknown origin, hmm?" </p><p>Ben's eyes widened. "The Commission?" </p><p>"You might say I'm paranoid," Five said. "But what if the universe as we know it is one of many? And its past is only invisible to us because it was erased." </p><p>"You've lost me," Vanya said. </p><p>"Listen," Five said. "As a child, when I discovered the myth of God, I laughed at it. I thought: if God created us, who created God?" </p><p>"Ex nihilo," Ben murmured. </p><p>"Exactly," Five said. "But now I know it's possible for a man to exist after erasing his own past. God could have been born into a normal family that simply vanished after he, or anyone, interfered with the timeline." </p><p>"And God might be the Commission," Ben said. "And our universe was created by people from a different universe?" </p><p>"It doesn't work," Vanya said. "You run into the same problem." </p><p>"Which problem?" Ben said. </p><p>"If another universe created this one," Vanya said. "What created the first one?" </p><p>"That's what makes it a crackpot theory," Five said. "It's stupid. I know it." </p><p>"It's not stupid," Ben said. "I think it's brilliant." </p><p><em>You're just sucking up,</em> Vanya thought. </p><p>Immediately, she regretted the judgement. It was uncharitable. </p><p>"But to return to your original question, Vanya." Five spread his hands out expansively. "I shouldn't exist. There lies the paradox." </p><p>"Alright," Vanya said. "I understand." </p><p>"Do you?" </p><p>"I get it," Ben said. "The Bootstrap Paradox is different from the Grandfather Paradox because it lets two doppelgangers keep existing even though they contradict each other?" </p><p>Five grinned. "Yes!" </p><p>"I got it too," Vanya said. "I understood." </p><p>Ben rolled his eyes at this and Vanya was reminded of all those times they would compete for Five's approval as children. </p><p><em>It was unhealthy then,</em> Vanya thought. <em>And it's still unhealthy now. </em></p><p>"Great," Five said. "I'm glad I was able to explain it." </p><p>"Can we watch another movie?" Vanya said. </p><p>Ben frowned. "I was going to read from-" </p><p>"It's not a book I'm familiar with," Vanya said. "Am I just supposed to try and follow along from the middle?" </p><p>"Good point," Five said. "But does it have to be a movie? Can't we see what's playing on the History channel?" </p><p>"These days they're only doing conspiracy theory junk," Ben said. "I mean! You know, the trashy kind. Not the smart kind." </p><p>Five smirked. "I'm not offended, Ben." </p><p>"What about animal planet?" Vanya said. "They still have good stuff. Usually." </p><p>Ben blinked. </p><p>"That works," Five said. "Right, Ben?" </p><p>"Um," Ben said. "Don't you want to watch something about astronomy or, or something sciencey?" </p><p>"But you love animals," Five said.</p><p>Ben frowned. </p><p>Five turned to Vanya. "Did something happen? He doesn't like animals anymore?" </p><p>"I still like them," Ben said. "I just want to watch something <em>you</em> like, Five." </p><p>Five squinted at Ben. "You think I don't like animals?" </p><p>"I vote for animal planet," Vanya said. "One more vote and we're watching it." </p><p>"I second that vote," Five said. "Tough luck, Ben." </p><p>Ben blushed. </p><p>"You're a strange one." Five directed a gentle smile Ben's way and ruffled his hair.</p><p><em>Don't be jealous,</em> Vanya thought. <em>You're better than that, dammit.  </em></p><p>Ben chuckled nervously. "Sorry? I just… I guess I got used to the new Five. I'm always trying to get him to like me?" </p><p>Five froze. </p><p>"Five?" Vanya said. "Did you… what do you remember?" </p><p>Five shook his head. "I'm still the third Five." </p><p>"Are you okay?" Ben said. </p><p>"Are <em>you</em> okay?" Five said. "I'm so sorry." </p><p>"No!" Vanya said. "You didn't do anything wrong." </p><p>Five winced. </p><p>"She's right," Ben said. "You didn't do anything wrong." </p><p>Five flickered with blue light for a second and Vanya straightened, expecting him to leave. </p><p>But he didn't leave. </p><p>Five took a deep breath. </p><p>"Of course," Five said. "So… animal planet?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They spent the rest of the day surfing through various channels. They specifically looked for documentaries or anything non-fiction. This led Vanya to wonder if she should make a change to her approach to the Saturday video calls. </p><p>Baby Five often watched documentaries with Luther. Why hadn't she taken that into account? Why hadn't she done the same with Old Five? </p><p><em>Am I falling into old patterns?</em> Vanya thought. <em>Am I putting too much pressure on myself to impress Five? </em></p><p>The answer was a resounding yes. Klaus would have called it 'backsliding.' It was a term he'd picked up in NA that usually referred to relapses, but it didn't only apply to drug addiction. </p><p><em>It's okay,</em> Vanya told herself. <em>These things happen, but I can course correct. </em></p><p>She made a choice to remain as calm and pleasant and <em>healthy</em> as possible. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Eventually, it was 10 p.m. </p><p>"There isn't a bedtime," Five said. "I'm not going to be strict with it." </p><p>"There <em>is</em> a bedtime," Ben said. "Isn't the schedule important?" </p><p>"It's just a guideline," Five said. "Today's the exception, hmm? Let's stay up tonight. We're all adults here." </p><p>"Why procrastinate?" Vanya said. "You want to stay? Will you miss us?" </p><p>Five avoided eye contact. "Don't play games." </p><p>"Be nice," Ben said. "You're trying to bully him into-" </p><p>"It's not bullying," Vanya said. "Don't we have good reason to be concerned? You've split yourself in two, Five." </p><p>"It was an accident," Five said. </p><p>"I don't blame you," Ben said. "It couldn't be helped."</p><p>"It's not your fault," Vanya agreed. "But we can help you fix it. What if I go to therapy with you?" </p><p>Five frowned at his hands. "With me?" </p><p>"That worked for Baby Five, right Ben?" </p><p>"Um." Ben scratched his cheek. "Sort of." </p><p>"Please?" Vanya said. "Can you just try one session? For me?" </p><p>Five closed his eyes. </p><p>"Don't push too much," Ben said. "Five, are you feeling alright?" </p><p>Five quickly opened his eyes again. "I'm fine." </p><p>"You don't have to be fine," Vanya said. "It's okay to be upset." </p><p>"You're wasting your time," Five said. "Ultimately, this is something you need to talk the innocent Five into doing." </p><p>"We need both of you," Vanya said. </p><p>"We do?" </p><p>"You're at war with yourself," Vanya said. "Think of it like… therapy is like peace talks between countries in conflict. We want to sign a treaty." </p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "Not a bad analogy." </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya said. "Can you discuss it with the other Five?" </p><p>"Fine," Five said. "I'll discuss it with him, but I make no promises." </p><p>Vanya grinned. </p><p>"That's a good step," Ben said.</p><p>"Yes. Well." Five carefully moved away from them. "I'm tired." </p><p>"Time for bed?" Vanya said. </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "Any objections?" </p><p>"No, sir," Ben said. "Godspeed." </p><p>Five nodded. "Goodbye." </p><p>He vanished. Presumably, to Allison's room. </p><p>"Damn," Ben said. "You're a force to be reckoned with, Vanya." </p><p>"Sure," Vanya said. </p><p>"I'm just saying," Ben said. "I'm impressed." </p><p>"Are you?" </p><p>Ben tilted his head. "Yes?" </p><p>"Alright," Vanya said. "So, tomorrow he'll probably go back to amnesia land." </p><p>"Yeah," Ben said. "I know." </p><p>"What are we going to tell him?" </p><p>Ben frowned. "The truth." </p><p>"About the plane," Vanya said. "He might bring it up again." </p><p>"Oh," Ben said. "I have no idea." </p><p>Vanya sighed. </p><p>"Maybe we should tell him Dolores told us not to tell him?" </p><p>"That <em>is</em> what happened," Vanya said. "It isn't a lie." </p><p>"So there you go," Ben said. "It's better to stick to the truth as much as possible." </p><p>"I guess so," Vanya said. "Alright. I'm glad we cleared that up." </p><p>Ben studied her for a moment. </p><p>"Are you mad at me?" Ben said. </p><p>"No."</p><p>"I was kind of mean to you," Ben said. "I'm sorry." </p><p><em>Yes, you were,</em> Vanya thought. </p><p>"No, you weren't." Vanya made a show of yawning. "Man, I'm exhausted." </p><p>"Me too," Ben said. "I guess we should go to sleep too." </p><p>"We should," Vanya said. </p><p>"Sleep well?" Ben said.</p><p>"You too." </p><p>It felt awkward to walk away from Ben in this way, but Vanya didn't have the energy for something more meaningful. She retreated to the privacy of the guest bedroom. </p><p>It would be more accurate to call it Claire's room, but Vanya had been resisting that moniker. Especially when referring to the room out loud to someone else. </p><p>It was an irrational choice. She knew that. But to call the room 'Claire's' was a reminder of Claire's prominent place in Five's home. In his life. </p><p>It made Vanya feel like an interloper. </p><p><em>I'm so tired of being the outsider,</em> Vanya thought. <em>I'm tired of being the least favorite.</em></p><p>Duchemin would be disappointed by all this backsliding, but maybe she'd have a solution. Vanya decided to bring it up during their next session. </p><p>Therapy was grueling work, but progress was progress. </p><p>Unless progress was actually an illusion. Maybe she was Sisyphus after all: doomed to a perpetual cycle of success and failure. </p><p>Or maybe she just needed some fucking sleep. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sleep would not come. Vanya kept thinking about the night Allison undid the Rumor. </p><p><em>Five said I was his favorite,</em> Vanya reassured herself. <em>He wasn't lying. He wasn't. </em></p><p>Not for the first time, she replayed that conversation in her mind and studied it for evidence of the alleged favoritism.  </p><p><em>I love you like Apollo loves Artemis,</em> Five had said. </p><p>This was unique, wasn't it? Or had he used that same line on someone else? She could ask around… but that would be unhealthy. </p><p>Vanya thought about those sleep hugs and wished she could have more.</p><p>It was a childish desire. She tried to ignore it, but finally couldn't.</p><p>So she bucked up the courage to tiptoe towards Allison's room. Five would likely be asleep by now, wouldn't he? </p><p>Maybe she could quietly sneak into bed with him?</p><p>It was morally dubious behavior, but she didn't care.   </p><p>Half prepared to pick the lock, Vanya was pleasantly surprised by how easily the door opened. Five had left it unlocked. </p><p>Was it too much to hope that this was an indirect invitation?</p><p>Stealthily, Vanya crept towards the bed. She reached out in the dark and found that the blanket was neatly tucked in under the mattress. </p><p>The bed was empty. </p><p>The <em>room</em> was empty. </p><p>Where was Five?</p><p>Before she could react, Five materialized directly in front of her. </p><p>"Don't panic," Five whispered. "Everything is fine. Everything is okay, so let's stay calm." </p><p>"Where did you <em>go?"</em> Vanya hissed. </p><p>"I was in my room," Five murmured. "No need to be alarmed, see?"</p><p>"You usually sleep here in Allison's room," Vanya said. <em>"Ben</em> is in your room." </p><p>"Please," Five said "Can't you go back to bed? You'll wake-" </p><p>Five cut himself off. He flickered, glowing faintly, and then said, "I'll be right back. Do. Not. Panic." </p><p>Five disappeared. </p><p>"Fuck!" Vanya said. "I <em>will</em> panic!" </p><p>Five reappeared with Ben in tow. </p><p>"You can't just leave like that!" Ben said. "Where are we… Vanya?" </p><p>"Let's stay calm," Five said. "There's been a misunderstanding." </p><p>Vanya stomped towards the light switch and flicked it on so she could see them more clearly.</p><p>So she could glare at them. </p><p>"You were cuddling?" Vanya said.</p><p>"Is that a crime?" Ben said. </p><p>"When did you start doing this?" Vanya said. "Is it something you do with the new Five too or just the third Five?" </p><p>Five pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please-" </p><p>"It's not fair," Vanya said. "You said it wasn't appropriate, but that wasn't even<em> you." </em></p><p>"It's still inappropriate," Five said. "You're a lady." </p><p>"Why are we in Allison's room?" Ben said. "What were you doing, Vanya? Sneaking up on him?" </p><p>"It's not <em>fair,"</em> Vanya said. "You're making up excuses, Five!" </p><p>Five glowed again and Vanya's ears began to ring with the fear this triggered. </p><p>"Don't leave!" Vanya said. </p><p>"You're absolutely right," Five said. "It was unfair. I will change my behavior." </p><p>"What about me?" Ben said. "You're going to abandon me to spend the night with Vanya?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "Um, the three of us can fit in Allison's bed." </p><p>"No!" Ben said. </p><p>"Why not?" Vanya said. </p><p>"I rarely get to see Old Five," Ben said. "I don't want to share. Can't you wait for Baby Five?"</p><p>"You can't swap them out like pillows!" Vanya shouted. </p><p>"It's not fair!" Ben screamed. "You're always hogging Old Five!" </p><p>"Wait," Five said. "Wait." </p><p>"No, <em>you're</em> hogging both of them," Vanya said.</p><p>Again, Five flickered with blue light. Then he sat down heavily. </p><p>It looked like he had been aiming for the bed, but missed and landed on the floor. </p><p>"Are you okay?" Ben knelt next to him. </p><p><em>Deep breaths,</em> Vanya told herself. <em>Control yourself. </em></p><p>Five nodded, but he was sweating, subtly trembling, and breathing as if he'd just run a marathon.</p><p>It looked like a panic attack.</p><p>Slowly, carefully, Vanya knelt too. But she kept her distance. </p><p>"You need to give him some space," Vanya said. "Move back a little." </p><p>Ben did what he was told and they both watched Five wipe the sweat off his forehead. </p><p>"I'm fine," Five said. "I'm sorry." </p><p><em>"I'm</em> sorry," Ben said. "I'm a horrible person." </p><p>That was exactly the sort of thing Five hated to hear. If Ben knew Five half as well as she did, he would never dare to say it.</p><p>"Wait," Vanya said. "Five, focus on your breathing."  </p><p>"Excuse me?" </p><p>"Take deep breaths," Vanya said. "In and out." </p><p>Five huffed indignantly. "I despise that meditation nonsense." </p><p>"It'll help you," Vanya said. "Please? Just for a little bit." </p><p>Five scowled, but he closed his eyes and took deep breaths. </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya murmured. "Just like that." </p><p>Ben was inching closer to Five again, hovering anxiously. </p><p>Vanya used her powers to gently nudge him away and Ben gasped. </p><p>Five flinched, eyes springing open. "Hold <em>on,</em> Vanya. Don't hurt him." </p><p>
  <em>"What?!" </em>
</p><p>"She would never hurt me," Ben said. "Don't be scared." </p><p>Vanya stood up. "I'll leave you two in peace." </p><p>"Wait!" Five said. "I misspoke!"  </p><p>Five scrambled to his feet and glowed again, but it fizzled out within seconds.</p><p>"Stop trying to leave!" Vanya said. "Am I that terrifying?" </p><p>"I'm not trying to leave," Five said. "I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid <em>for</em> you." </p><p>"You mean you're afraid for Ben," Vanya said. "You really think I would hurt him?" </p><p>"Not on purpose," Five said. </p><p>Vanya flinched.</p><p>"Don't misunderstand," Five said. "I know you would never hurt him!" </p><p>"You're lying," Vanya said. "You think I'm a monster." </p><p>"No," Five said. "You're my sister and I love you." </p><p>"Don't go, Vanya," Ben said. "I love you too! I shouldn't have-" </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "I'm leaving before I hurt someone." </p><p>Five lunged at her, throwing his arms around her waist with the desperation of a dying man. </p><p>"You can't leave like this," Five said. "You. Cannot. Leave." </p><p>Vanya closed her eyes. It was important to remain calm. She would not react. </p><p>"I won't explode," Vanya said. "Let's go to sleep." </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "All three of us, c'mon. Into Allison's bed." </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "I'm going back to the guest room." </p><p>"No," Five said. "You can't do that."</p><p>She took a couple deep breaths, opened her eyes, and took a good look at him. </p><p>Five was breathing normally, but he was still sweaty and pale. He looked exhausted. </p><p>"I am very sorry," Vanya said. "Honestly, at this point I feel embarrassed." </p><p>"I understand," Five said. "I'm sorry too. But can't we-" </p><p>"We can't," Vanya said. "Maybe another night. For now, please let me go." </p><p>Five did not let go. </p><p>"Five," Vanya murmured. "It's okay." </p><p>Hesitantly, Five released her. "You're alright?" </p><p>"I'm alright." She turned to Ben. "I'm sorry for fighting with you." </p><p>"I'm sorry for being selfish," Ben said. </p><p>Vanya sighed. "We'll process all of this later." </p><p>"Neither of you is selfish," Five said. "If anything <em>I'm</em> the selfish one." </p><p>"Stop," Vanya said. "We need to sleep. We'll discuss this tomorrow." </p><p>"But you aren't selfish, Five!" Ben was on the verge of tears. "You're the most selfless person in the family!" </p><p>Five studied Ben. "Vanya is right. We should discuss this tomorrow." </p><p>"But-" </p><p>"Please?" Vanya said. "Can we go back to bed?" </p><p>Ben ran a hand through his hair and grabbed at a fistful to tug on.  </p><p>"We're all tired," Five said. "Let's sleep, Ben." </p><p>"Okay," Ben said. "Goodnight." </p><p>"Goodnight," Vanya said. </p><p>Then she hurried back to the guest room. </p><p>She didn't actually get any sleep that night. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Vanya figured 7 a.m. was an acceptable time to make breakfast. And pancakes were a crowd pleaser, right?</p><p>But she didn't eat any of it. Instead, she wrapped it in foil and saved it in the microwave. </p><p>They would eat together. They would forgive each other. </p><p>Wasn't that how this worked? </p><p>It was almost noon when Ben finally wandered out of Five's room. </p><p>"Can we let him sleep in?" Ben whispered. "He seemed so tired." </p><p>Vanya nodded. </p><p>"The park?" Ben whispered. "Please?" </p><p>Vanya sighed and nodded some more. </p><p>They sent Five a text and also left a note on the fridge for good measure. Then they went on the customary walk to the park. </p><p>It was something of a family tradition, at this point. </p><p>It was the place for difficult conversations. </p><p>So, that's what they did. They talked. And they talked. And they talked.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"And I know it's wrong to be jealous," Ben was saying. "But Klaus blackmailed him! Isn't that worse?" </p><p>Vanya did her best to remain engaged. </p><p>"You're right," she murmured. </p><p>"But I shouldn't have taken it out on you," Ben said. "Um, so self reflecting made me realize that I felt like I was being attacked?" </p><p>"Intense word," Vanya said. </p><p>"Emotionally attacked," Ben said. "Metaphorically attacked. Because sleepovers with Five used to belong to me. Just me." </p><p>"None of us are entitled-" </p><p>"I know," Ben said. "It's unhealthy, but I thought it was proof that I was his favorite." </p><p>"We shouldn't play favorites," Vanya said. "Five loves all of us." </p><p>"Sure," Ben said. </p><p>"Still. I felt the same way," Vanya said. "I also felt like it was proof that he was favoring you. Which made me jealous." </p><p>"I'm so sorry," Ben said. </p><p>"I'm sorry too," Vanya said. "We both spent a lot of time trying to get his attention as kids and now we've carried that over into our... present." </p><p>"Because he was nicer to me than anyone else," Ben said. "I mean, you were nice to me too. But Five was…um." </p><p>"Five had an ego," Vanya said. "He was choosy, so it felt more special if he was nice to you." </p><p>"Exactly," Ben said. "Because he was always so impressive. He was the smartest and the fastest and… he just seemed so amazing." </p><p>"He's still amazing," Vanya said. "But he's also a regular person. We need to take him off the pedestal." </p><p>"Right," Ben said. "Um and I'll talk this out with Dr. Kashif too. And you can talk to Dr. Duchemin?" </p><p>"I prefer to call her Mrs. Duchemin," Vanya said. "But yes." </p><p>"Huh?" Ben said. "Why?" </p><p>"Because calling her a doctor makes me feel like a patient," Vanya said. "And it makes me feel like we're unequal." </p><p>"But… you <em>are</em> a patient?" </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "Duchemin says I'm her client, not her patient." </p><p>Ben groaned. </p><p>"What?" Vanya said. </p><p>"Don't you think it's kind of shady?" Ben said. "The way you're so obsessed with policing language?" </p><p>"Language shapes our thoughts," Vanya said. </p><p>"Sure," Ben said. "But Dr. Kashif thinks self censorship is unhealthy." </p><p>Vanya blinked. "Are you… is that something you made up to win your argument?" </p><p>"What?" Ben looked at her as if she was a crazy person. </p><p>"It's a trick that people use sometimes," Vanya said. "Bringing up an authority figure and putting words in their mouth to make your argument seem more impressive." </p><p>"Wow," Ben said. "You sound so paranoid right now." </p><p>"I'm not paranoid." </p><p>"And I'm not lying," Ben said. "Dr. Kashif thinks that it's wrong for you to say we're not allowed to use words you don't like." </p><p>"But Duchemin says negative language breeds negative thinking." </p><p>"Maybe," Ben said. "But just because you aren't saying the negative word out loud doesn't mean you aren't thinking it." </p><p>Vanya frowned. </p><p>Ben shrugged. "We can agree to disagree." </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "We should-" </p><p>Five materialized in front of them, still in his pajamas. His hair was wildly unkempt and he stared at them with wide eyes. </p><p>He looked panicked.  </p><p><em>"There</em> you are," Five said. </p><p>"Sorry!" Ben said. "I texted you and left a note-" </p><p>"I saw," Five said. "But let's go home. Let's stop this." </p><p>"Stop what?" Vanya said. </p><p>Five flickered with blue light. </p><p>"Five?" Ben said. "Are you scared?" </p><p>Five cleared his throat. "Don't be silly. I simply would like to eat breakfast with my family." </p><p>"That's good," Vanya said. "We can do that." </p><p>"Great," Five said. "Let's go." </p><p>He held his left hand out to Ben and his right out to Vanya. </p><p><em>Five is left handed,</em> Vanya thought.<em> Is this favoritism towards Ben? </em></p><p>But that was an irrational thought! Vanya shoved it away and took Five's hand. </p><p>They landed in the kitchen. </p><p>"The pancakes look delicious." Five carefully smoothed his hair into place. "Let's dig in, shall we?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Vanya noticed Five was eating with an enthusiasm he hadn't displayed in a long time. </p><p>"I'm glad you got your appetite back," Ben said. </p><p>Five flickered with blue light again and Vanya straightened. </p><p>"I'm feeling really good," Five said. "These days, I love to eat." </p><p>Vanya stared at him. "Am I allowed to ask what you're thinking?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "I am regretting my previous… immature attitude. Towards food." </p><p>Ben looked uncomfortable. </p><p>"Okay," Vanya said. "Uh, so you had an epiphany?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "It was a response to trauma. I don't remember it, but my past had an effect on me." </p><p>"Wow," Ben said. "That sounds like a breakthrough." </p><p>"I've discovered many things about myself," Five said. "For example, I am ambidextrous." </p><p>Vanya blinked. </p><p>"I don't know when I picked up the talent," Five said. "But there it is. It's nice, isn't it? It's useful." </p><p>Vanya stood up. "Did you get a new power?" </p><p>There it was: that flicker of blue light engulfed Five. Vanya realized it was more intense than the glow his hands would display before he teleported. </p><p>This glow covered his entire body. It was only for a second, but he couldn't hide it.</p><p>Five took a deep breath. "Yes, but stay calm. It's not-" </p><p>"Are you reading my mind?" Vanya said. </p><p>"No," Five said. "That's not something I can do." </p><p>"Oh my god," Ben said. "You're rewinding!" </p><p>"I'm sorry," Five said. "I just want-" </p><p>"What's rewinding?" Vanya said. </p><p>"It's time travel," Five said. "I'm just trying to help."</p><p>"You're exhausting yourself," Ben said. "You can't keep going like this." </p><p>Vanya sat back down. </p><p>"You're absolutely right," Five said. "I will restrain myself." </p><p>"Wait," Vanya said. "What did you change?" </p><p>"Myself," Five said. "My words." </p><p>"You don't have to do that," Ben said. "I'll be good from now on. I had a talk with Vanya-" </p><p>"Wait," Vanya said. "What did we do?" </p><p>Five frowned at the ceiling, then down at his plate. </p><p>"Did I explode?" Vanya said. "Is that why you're afraid of me?" </p><p>Five shook his head. </p><p>"Shit!" Ben said. </p><p>"I overreacted," Five said. "Dolores brought me up to speed and we've both come to an agreement." </p><p>"But I exploded," Vanya said. "Didn't I? Did I hurt Ben?" </p><p>"You did not," Five said. "Don't imagine the worst." </p><p>"I <em>will</em> imagine the worst," Vanya said. "Why else would you be time traveling?" </p><p>"Dolores says you had a word for this," Five said. "She can't remember the word, but she said you're acting like Chicken Little. She urges you to realize that it is an unhealthy reaction."</p><p>The reference was a knife to the gut. Poor Dolores. Poor Five! It reminded her of his tragic flaw: Five thought <em>he</em> was the problem. </p><p>"Vanya?" Five said. "What are you thinking?" </p><p>Vanya swallowed around the lump in her throat. "I agree with Dolores." </p><p>"Good." Five turned to Ben. "You've gotten quiet. Are you alright?" </p><p>Ben had his lips firmly pressed together. His eyes were shining with unshed tears. </p><p>He nodded tightly. </p><p>"Do you need a hug?" Five said. </p><p>Again, Ben nodded. </p><p><em>Goddammit!</em> Vanya thought. <em>Everyone is always bullying hugs out of him! </em></p><p>But she forced her anger down and sat still. Five approached Ben and she averted her gaze.</p><p>"Let's make this a group hug," Five said. "Come here, Vanya." </p><p>"No," Vanya said. "You're forcing yourself." </p><p>"I'm not forcing myself," Five said. </p><p>"Don't lie," Vanya said. "Dolores already told me." </p><p>"You misunderstood," Five said. </p><p>"No, I didn't!" Vanya said. "You're contradicting yourself." </p><p>She looked at Five and saw that he was holding on to Ben tightly. Ben, meanwhile, was not hugging him back. He had remained sitting while Five grabbed him from behind.</p><p>And Ben was covering his face with his hands. </p><p>"You're half right," Five said. "Look at me and Ben. It works this way, see? Ben is not constraining me. It's comfortable." </p><p>"It won't work with all of us," Vanya said. "Not at the same time." </p><p>"It will," Five said. </p><p>"Fine," Vanya said. "But I don't want to. Don't make me do it." </p><p>"Okay," Five said. "But we're all okay, right? Ben?" </p><p>"I'm okay," Ben murmured. "I'm sorry." </p><p>"You don't need to be sorry," Five said. "This is all... we've decided to go to therapy. Dolores and I. Does that help?" </p><p>Vanya did her best to produce a smile. "Yes." </p><p>"Ben?" Five tugged at the hands over his face. "Does it help?" </p><p>Ben allowed his hands to be pulled away. Surprisingly, he wasn't crying. </p><p>"Yes," Ben said. "Thank you." </p><p>"Your welcome," Five said. "Is there anything else we should do?" </p><p>"Don't rewind," Vanya said. "Unless it's an emergency." </p><p><em>Unless someone dies,</em> Vanya thought. <em>Did someone die? I killed Ben. I must have killed him!</em></p><p>"Alright," Five said. "Dolores has already scolded me, by the way. She thinks I was wasting... energy." </p><p>"Goddammit," Ben said. "I have to know. Did someone die?" </p><p>"Of course not," Five said. "I just overreacted." </p><p>"You're always lying," Vanya said. "How are we supposed to believe you?" </p><p>"I suppose I'm a hypocrite," Five said. "I see that now." </p><p>"We're all hypocrites," Vanya said. "We're all unhealthy." </p><p>"But I love you both!" Ben said. "I love you so much it hurts." </p><p>"I love you more," Five said. </p><p>"I love you most," Vanya said. </p><p>"I love you most-est," Ben said. "Fuck. But I'm terrified, guys. I'm scared shitless right now."</p><p>"I didn't mean to scare you," Five said. "I think I know what went wrong, so in the future I'll-" </p><p>"Pause," Vanya said. </p><p>Five and Ben both looked at her expectantly.</p><p>"I have a theory," Vanya said. "About Dolores." </p><p>"Alright?" Five said. "But keep in mind: she can hear everything we're saying." </p><p>"Good," Vanya said. "I want her to listen."</p><p>Five smirked. "Well alright."</p><p>"So Dolores, or the Five before the Rumor, asked Allison to remove the memories. I think they did that because they thought something was wrong." </p><p>"Wasn't it Baby Five?" Ben said. "The third Five was afraid of Paradox Psychosis."</p><p>"Be quiet for a moment, please," Five said. "Let Vanya explain her theory." </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya said. "So, I think it <em>was</em> triggered by Baby Five. But it probably started before he got here." </p><p>"What started?" Five said. "What is 'it' exactly?" </p><p>"An idea," Vanya said. "He... I mean she?" </p><p>"You can call her a he," Five said. "Her voice sounds female in my head, but she's still the Five you knew back then. She's also a he." </p><p>"Okay," Vanya said. "So I'm only guessing, but I think he was alarmed by how... emotional everyone was being." </p><p>"Before Baby Five got here?" Ben said. "That was before my time too. What were you guys being emotional about?" </p><p>"I don't know the full scope," Vanya said. "But maybe... um." </p><p>"Maybe <em>what?" </em>Ben said. </p><p>"Patience," Five murmured. "Let her gather her thoughts." </p><p>"Thank you," Vanya said. "Okay, I'm going to use Diego as an example."</p><p>Five winced. </p><p>"Did Dolores react?" Vanya said. "Did she say something?" </p><p>"She didn't say anything," Five said. "But I <em>felt </em>her distress. I think she understood your reference?" </p><p>"Wow," Vanya said. "So I'm onto something?"</p><p>"Fuck," Five said. "Goddammit."</p><p>Ben looked over his shoulder at Five. "Did she yell at us?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "She disappeared." </p><p>Vanya blinked. </p><p>"What do you mean?" Ben said. </p><p>"She does this sometimes," Five said. "She vanishes. It's unpredictable." </p><p>"Where does she go?" Vanya said.</p><p>"I don't know," Five said. "She hides?" </p><p>"Is she afraid?" Ben said. "Is she upset?" </p><p>"She's a private person," Five said. "I can't begin to guess what her motivations are." </p><p>"No, Ben is probably right," Vanya said. "Can you give us examples of the other disappearances?" </p><p>"What is Ben right about?" Five said. </p><p>"You've got an avoidant personality," Vanya said. </p><p>"I <em>know </em>that," Five said. "You've said so enough times." </p><p>"Sorry," Vanya said. "I mean, you run away when you're afraid or upset. Like Ben said, that's probably why Dolores left."</p><p>"Fuck me," Five said. "You're saying she flees when I trigger her?" </p><p>"Something like that," Vanya said. "So can you-" </p><p>"Now hold on," Five said. "You've been derailed by her tantrum. Maybe <em>that </em>was her plan." </p><p>"Wow," Ben said. "You're so mean to yourself, Five." </p><p>Five blinked. </p><p>"That's okay," Vanya said. "I see where you're coming from. We'll table the, um, the Dolores vanishing act for later analysis." </p><p>Five cleared his throat. "I find that acceptable. Now go back to what you were saying about Diego." </p><p>"Okay," Vanya said. "So we'll probably need to ask Diego himself to give us his opinion on this, but I think he and, um, the third Five had a misunderstanding about the love languages." </p><p>"Wow," Ben said. "That tracks." </p><p>"Tell me more," Five said. </p><p>So she did. </p><p>It was the first of <em>many </em>theories. Together, all three of them hyperfixated on the issue for the rest of the visit. </p><p>Five turned it into something of a game. He acted like a detective trying to peace together a missing persons case. </p><p>Together, they wondered: why did Dolores leave? Why did the third Five try to figuratively 'kill' himself? Could they be rescued? Could they be pulled out of the murky void of Five's subconscious? </p><p>It was a sad game, but Five had a way of lifting their spirits. He gave them hope and assured them that he would find a solution to all these problems. </p><p>In a lot of ways, it was nostalgic. </p><p>Later, Vanya would realize: That should have been a clue. It was a hint. It was a pattern. </p><p>Five was backsliding. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. A riddle's desire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Scattered through the ordinary world there are books and artifacts and perhaps people who are like doorways into impossible realms of impossible and contradictory truth.  </em>
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  <em> ― Terence McKenna </em>
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</p><p>Knowing he would be timed, Five began talking before he'd even sat down. </p><p>"I had an epiphany," Five said. </p><p>"I see," the doctor said. "Will you explain it?"</p><p>"Dolores is the worst part of me," Five said. "She's weak. A hysterical woman, in fact." </p><p>When he sat, Five made a show of leaning back in his seat as if he were settling in for an excellent movie.</p><p>"Why do you say that?" the doctor said. </p><p>"She fancies herself something of a parental figure," Five said. "But she's actually a child. Unable to handle her responsibilities. Unwilling to accommodate her children." </p><p><em> Once again, </em> Dolores said. <em> Your ego astounds me.  </em></p><p>"Children?" the doctor said. "Are you the children in this scenario?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "My siblings are the children." </p><p>"Oh," the doctor said. </p><p>"So Dolores thinks I'm an egomaniac," Five said. "When in reality-" </p><p><em> Fuck off, </em> Dolores said. <em> You dare compare yourself to God and then claim to be humble?  </em></p><p>"First of all," Five said. "Never in my life have I claimed to be humble." </p><p>Five paused, wondering if the doctor would have something to say, but the man simply smiled and politely waited. </p><p>"Secondly," Five said. "Which of us made that comparison first, Dolores?"</p><p>Dolores did not verbally respond, but Five got the sense that she was rolling her eyes. </p><p>"She has an excellent memory," Five told the doctor. </p><p>Then, to Dolores: "So why don't you set the record straight, missy? Hmm? We're waiting." </p><p><em> Keep waiting, </em>Dolores said. </p><p>"What comparison?" the doctor said. </p><p>"I'm sorry?" Five said. </p><p>"You said one of you," the doctor glanced down at his notes. "or both of you, made a comparison. Comparing what to what?"</p><p>"Ah," Five said. "It was an analogy. About God." </p><p>"What about God?" the doctor said. </p><p>"Honestly, doctor," Five said. "I think she's trying to gaslight me. I've decided I want a divorce." </p><p><em> Granted, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"If you could grant it," Five said. "We wouldn't <em> be </em> here, now would we?" </p><p>"I understand why you feel that way," the doctor said. "But you shouldn't think of Dolores as your enemy." </p><p><em> Don't make me an enemy, </em> Dolores said. <em> I would destroy you. </em></p><p>"I'd like to see you try," Five said. </p><p><em> I'm as ruthless as Athena, </em> Dolores said. <em> And you're as blind as Tiresias. </em> </p><p>Five tutted. "You're losing your touch, woman. Tiresias was clairvoyant. You might as well grab my dick and- "</p><p><em> Shut up! </em> Dolores said. <em> We have an audience!  </em></p><p>"Oh, was that uncouth?" Five said. "My sincerest apologies, but I don't give a damn." </p><p>"You enjoy speaking in references," the doctor said. </p><p>"Wow," Five said. "You're a genius, sir." </p><p>"And now you're deflecting," the doctor said. "It's a natural defense-" </p><p>"I know what the word means," Five said. "Tell me, doctor. Have you written my references down? Will you google them later when you analyze me?" </p><p>"Would you like me to?" the doctor said. </p><p>"Excuse me?" </p><p>"You'd like to be understood," the doctor said. "Isn't that true? You're not speaking in riddles to obfuscate." </p><p>"I <em> am </em> obfuscating," Five said. "Because I prefer to engage with intelligence." </p><p><em> You're a pathetic liar, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"And <em> you're </em>a coward," Five said. "So shut the fuck up." </p><p>"Is your respect only granted to people you think are intelligent?" the doctor said. </p><p>"Of course," Five said. </p><p>"And do you consider your siblings intelligent?" </p><p>Five frowned. "There are myriads of… um." </p><p>"Myriads of…?" </p><p>"There are different types," Five said. </p><p>"Different types… of intelligence?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "For example, there's emotional intelligence." </p><p><em> Of which you are sorely lacking, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"You're one to talk," Five said. "You know what? You <em> are </em> Athena. It's fitting. She was a spinster." </p><p><em> Excuse you, </em> Dolores said. <em> She was asexual.  </em></p><p>"Hmm," Five said. "I suppose her birth from Zeus's forehead is not unlike single cell reproduction." </p><p><em> You misunderstand the word, </em> Dolores said. <em> It has a modern meaning, which you are not grasping.  </em></p><p>"Then explain yourself," Five said. </p><p><em> I will not, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"Fine," Five said. "I see you've picked up Allison's brand of mind games. Have it your way. I hope you're having fun." </p><p>"Was there a misunderstanding?" the doctor said. </p><p>"No," Five said. "She's being difficult on purpose. She isn't even attempting to communicate with me." </p><p>"Why would she do that?" the doctor said. </p><p>"To amuse herself," Five said. "She's taken a word and claimed it doesn't mean what I think it means. It's a childish tactic, but that's a child's right, eh? So have at it, Dolores."</p><p><em> It's not a tactic, </em> Dolores said. <em> I'm simply of the belief that the journey to self discovery is meaningful? I don't want to rob you of it. </em> </p><p>"That's horseshit," Five said. "I think you're just making things up. There's nothing to discover."</p><p><em> Incorrect, </em> Dolores said. <em> It was a lovely discovery and you'll never understand because- </em></p><p>"And when did you make this discovery?" Five said. "Did you puppeteer my arms and enjoy a lovely affair with the internet?" </p><p><em> No, </em> Dolores said. <em> It was before you were born. </em></p><p>Five blinked. </p><p>"Five?" the doctor said. "Would you like to tell me what word Dolores used?" </p><p>"Pardon?" </p><p>"The two of you have disagreed on the meaning of a word," the doctor said. "But she won't tell you what she thinks it means, right? Maybe I can help you guess." </p><p>"It's a waste of time," Five said. "But fine. The word is: asexual." </p><p>"Ah," the doctor said. "It's a sexual orientation." </p><p>"Wooow," Five said. "These kids, I swear. I should have guessed." </p><p>"What do you mean?" </p><p>"My brother Klaus," Five said. "He calls himself 'pansexual.' When I researched it I discovered… well, the matter is hotly contested, but essentially it's synonymous with bisexual." </p><p>"Do you find that frustrating?" the doctor said. </p><p>"It's needlessly confusing," Five said. "Pansexual. Omni-sexual. All these silly words." </p><p>"Would it be rude of me to ask how you identify, Five?" </p><p>"What, as far as sexuality?" Five said. "I'm straight, I suppose." </p><p>"And you never encountered the word 'asexual' while doing research for your brother?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "Why? Is it another word for bisexual? That doesn't make sense." </p><p>"It isn't," the doctor said. </p><p>"Let's hear it, then," Five said. "You failed to explain." </p><p>"Ah," the doctor said. "Well, it's a tricky subject." </p><p>"Why?" Five said. "What's so tricky?" </p><p>"It's a sexual orientation," the doctor said. "I know that much, but I'm not an expert on the topic." </p><p>"So?" Five said. "You don't have to be an expert." </p><p>"I wouldn't want to give you the wrong idea," the doctor said. "I wouldn't want to misrepresent it." </p><p>"I don't understand," Five said. "We're not galavanting in public. You don't need to walk on eggshells in here, so what's holding you back?" </p><p>"Do you often walk on eggshells in public?" </p><p>Five straightened up. "Wait a minute. Is that what you've been doing?" </p><p>"No," the doctor said. </p><p>"You're lying," Five said. "You've mistaken me for a bomb?" </p><p>"A bomb?" the doctor said. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"You know," Five said. </p><p>"I don't know," the doctor said. "Can you explain?" </p><p>"No," Five said. </p><p><em> You should tell him, </em> Dolores said. <em> That's why we're here.  </em></p><p>"You've misunderstood," Five said. </p><p>"Is that so?" </p><p><em> Tell him! </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"I will not," Five said.</p><p>
  <em> Who's the coward now? </em>
</p><p>This doctor was quick on the uptake, at least. He was usually able to discern when he was or wasn't being addressed. </p><p>So the man politely averted his gaze, looking down at his notes. </p><p><em> Don't be stubborn, </em> Dolores said. <em> You promised Vanya-  </em></p><p>"I am fulfilling my promise," Five said. "It's <em> you </em> who has failed to hold up your end of the bargain." </p><p><em> How have I failed? </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"You said we would sign a peace treaty," Five said. "Well? Where is it? I've got my pen at the ready." </p><p>
  <em> It was an analogy, you dunce.  </em>
</p><p><em> "You're </em> a dunce," Five muttered. </p><p><em> I see you've run out of insults, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"You want insults?" Five said. "I could give you a whole list of insults. I'll even alphabetize them, shall I?" </p><p>"Can I interject?" the doctor said. </p><p>"Please do," Five said. </p><p>"You and Dolores," the doctor said. "Would I be correct in assuming you both view yourselves as parental figures?" </p><p>Five frowned.  </p><p><em> It's correct, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>Five snapped his fingers together. "The letter A. Asinine."</p><p><em> You're a clown, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"Don't skip," Five said. "B comes after A. Call me a bastard." </p><p>"You called Dolores a child," the doctor said. "Would that make you her father?" </p><p><b> <em>I'm</em> </b> <em> the daddy here! </em> </p><p>Alarmed, Five stood up. "Who the hell was <em> that?" </em> </p><p><em> Calm down, </em> Dolores said. <em> It was just an echo. The faint sliver of a memory.  </em></p><p>"It sounded like my own voice," Five said. "Was it you, Dolores? Before I was… born?" </p><p><em> Never you mind, </em> Dolores said. <em> Sit back down. You're embarrassing us. </em> </p><p>"I resent your tone," Five said. "I'm tempted to remain standing on principle." </p><p><em> Childish, </em> Dolores said. </p><p><em> "You're </em> childish!" Five snarled. "You're an infant. You're an amoeba!" </p><p><em> I won't engage with this tantrum, </em> Dolores said. </p><p>"That's a cop out," Five said. "But go ahead and run. That's your only talent." </p><p><em> As if you're any better? </em> </p><p>"I <em> am </em>better," Five said. "You think I'll grow up in your image? No. I'm better than you in every way. I will succeed where you failed." </p><p>
  <em> You're Icarus, honey.  </em>
</p><p>"A scary story," Five scoffed. "Nothing more than blatant manipulation."</p><p><em> You're forever accusing me of manipulation, </em> Dolores said. <em> I suppose the view must be nice from up on that high horse. </em></p><p>"Because it <em> is </em>manipulation. Greek tragedies, you know why they were created?"</p><p>
  <em> Go ahead and tell me, Daddy. </em>
</p><p>"It's an attempt to scare the audience into being 'humble.' Humble! What a pitiful virtue." </p><p>
  <em> It's an important virtue. </em>
</p><p>"It is not," Five said. "It's a virtue which masquerades as some kind of salvation, but that's just a trick designed to encourage subservience." </p><p><em> You're paranoid. </em> </p><p>"Another trick," Five said. "Designed to belittle my logic." </p><p><em> Wow, </em> Dolores said. <em> I'm impressed by the hoops you jump through to maintain your ego. </em> </p><p>"And what about <em> your </em> ego, Dolores?" Five said. "You're the least humble woman I've ever met." </p><p>Dolores did not respond. She had left.</p><p>Five looked at his watch and frowned.</p><p>"Doctor, we ran out of time six minutes ago." </p><p>"You're right," the doctor said. </p><p>"Why didn't you say anything?" Five said. </p><p>"It seemed like an important conversation," the doctor said. "I didn't want to derail your thought process." </p><p>"Nonsense," Five said. "Value your time." </p><p>"Oh?" the doctor said. "Okay, how about this. In the future, we can set up a timer. It will go off on the hour to remind us both." </p><p>"Good idea," Five said. "As for today, I owe you an additional twenty five dollars." </p><p>"How do you figure?" </p><p>"For the six minutes," Five said. "If an hour is worth two hundred and fifty dollars, it stands to reason six minutes would cost twenty five."</p><p>"Oh," the doctor said. "I get it, but-"</p><p>"It's beautiful, in a way," Five said. "Two fifty, twenty five. They match. A happy coincidence." </p><p>"Patterns like that make you happy?" the doctor said. </p><p>"Ah, ah, ah," Five said. "The session has ended. Shut your brain off, sir. You mustn't overwork yourself." </p><p>The doctor laughed. It was a bit startling, the way the mirth burst out of him with all the spontaneity of Athena's birth. But Five had learned long ago that laughter could sneak up on you like that.</p><p>Five smiled and pulled the twenty five dollars from his wallet, politely holding it out for the jolly doctor to take.</p><p>The doctor did not grab the proffered payment. </p><p>Instead, still chucking a bit, he said, "You're too kind, Five." </p><p>"Don't you refuse me," Five said. "You've earned this money." </p><p>"You think so?" </p><p>"Certainly," Five said. "I imagine it takes a strong force of will to put up with my drivel." </p><p>"It's not drivel," the doctor said. "You're a charming man." </p><p>"I'm also a rich man," Five said. "Stroke my ego, won't you? Take my money." </p><p>Finally, the man graciously did so. </p><p>Five smirked. "Good boy." </p><p>For some reason, this phrase made the man giggle like a schoolgirl. </p><p>
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</p><p>Back on the clock, the good doctor was staunchly professional.</p><p>"You said your siblings were children," the doctor said. "Why is that?" </p><p>"Because children are children," Five said. </p><p>"I just think it's a bit unusual," the doctor said. "Does it have anything to do with your intelligence?" </p><p>"Wow," Five said. "I see how it is." </p><p>"You do?" </p><p>"You think I'm <em> their </em> child," Five said. "In the literal sense. That won't do, sir. That won't do at all."</p><p>"I see," the doctor said. </p><p>"No, you don't," Five said. "But it's my fault. I should have clarified." </p><p>"I would love some clarification," the doctor said. </p><p>"You must have mistaken Allison for my mother," Five said. "I don't blame you. I know how we look." </p><p>"How do you look?" the doctor said. </p><p>"Listen here," Five said. "Allison is my sister." </p><p>"Alright," the doctor said. "But she's also your legal guardian, isn't she?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "But that's just on paper." </p><p>"I understand the circumstances of your birth were a bit… unusual." </p><p>Five groaned. </p><p>"Have I hit a sore spot?" </p><p>"You researched me, didn't you?"</p><p>"Does that bother you?" the doctor said. </p><p>"No," Five said. "But let me make one thing clear: the story of my birth was a fabrication." </p><p>"Oh," the doctor said. "Will you explain?" </p><p>So Five explained. Then they went over his true origin. Extensively.</p><p>
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</p><p>"I have decided," Five said. "I am sapio-romantic." </p><p>"Okay," the doctor said. "That's not a term I've heard before." </p><p>"It's an orientation," Five said. "A sub-branch on the asexuality spectrum, if you will." </p><p>"Oh," the doctor said. "It's a type of aromanticism?" </p><p>"No," Five said. "An aromantic individual does not seek romance." </p><p>"Ah," the doctor said. "But you do?" </p><p>Five shifted uncomfortably. "Uh. Yes and no." </p><p>"You don't need to have a definitive answer."  </p><p>"Shut up," Five said. "I <em> do </em> have a definitive answer. I just told you. I'm sapio-romantic." </p><p>"Alright," the doctor said. "Let's break that word down." </p><p>"Sapio is wisdom," Five said. "Intelligence. There is nothing I love more than an elegant mind." </p><p>"That makes sense," the doctor said. </p><p>"The other half is self explanatory," Five said. "So let's abandon this topic." </p><p>"Alright," the doctor said. "What should we talk about instead?" </p><p>"Dolores left again," Five said. </p><p>"And how do you feel about that?" </p><p>"I say good riddance," Five said. "I want her to stay away." </p><p>"Do you think she will?" </p><p>"Of course not," Five said. "She'll return when it suits her." </p><p>"Does that make you nervous?" </p><p>"Why would it make me nervous?" </p><p>"She's uncontrollable," the doctor said. "You've said she's unpredictable." </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "What of it?" </p><p>"It sounds a little stressful," the doctor said. "You have no privacy." </p><p>"I have all the privacy I could possibly want," Five said. "Dolores did what was asked of her. For once." </p><p>"She did?" </p><p>"We're divorced," Five said. "Officially this time. Not figuratively." </p><p>"How does that work?" </p><p>"She'll stay away from me," Five said. "There's only one caveat."  </p><p>"What caveat?" </p><p>"The children," Five said. "I mean, our siblings." </p><p>"What about them?" </p><p>"She cares for them," Five said. "And she doesn't trust me, so she'll return when they need her. If they need her." </p><p>"That's vague," the doctor said. </p><p>"Isn't it just?" Five said. "I hope she'll restrain herself to emergencies, but there's no telling with that woman. Anything and everything might be construed as an emergency."</p><p>"That must be frustrating," the doctor said. </p><p>Five shrugged. </p><p>"How does Vanya feel about the divorce?" </p><p>"Immaterial," Five said. </p><p>"Does she know?" the doctor said. "Have you told anyone besides me?" </p><p>"No." </p><p>"Why not?" </p><p>"My business is my business," Five said. "They all have their own love lives. I don't poke my nose there, so why should they... anyway. They won't notice." </p><p>"What if they <em> do </em> notice?" the doctor said. "Vanya in particular. You said she's observant." </p><p>"She is," Five said. "I am a plant on a windowsill to that girl. She is forever studying every individual leaf for signs of dehydration. Or else infestation." </p><p>"That's a colorful way to put it," the doctor said. "Generous too. You've put her in the role of a caregiver." </p><p>"She has nurturing tendencies," Five said. "Allison too. I suppose that's the way of women?" </p><p>"Only women?" the doctor said. </p><p>"I don't mean to be sexist," Five said. "Pardon the slip." </p><p>"It's okay," the doctor said. "You didn't sound sexist." </p><p>"In any case," Five said. "It's need to know. If and when they need to know, I will tell them." </p><p>"That sounds good to me," the doctor said. "Might be a healthy boundary." </p><p>"Might be?" Five said. "Is it or isn't it?"</p><p>"I can't say one way or the other." </p><p>"Yes, you can," Five said. "It's your job." </p><p>"I don't like to use absolutes," the doctor said. "Or to make those sorts of judgements."  </p><p>"It's your job to do so," Five said. "Why else am I paying you?" </p><p>"I'm not the arbiter of healthy behavior." </p><p>"Factually incorrect," Five said. "Your study of psychology has granted you the authority-"</p><p>"I think you've misunderstood my profession," the doctor said. "It's a common misconception, but-"</p><p>"Stop," Five said  "You're making excuses."</p><p>The doctor did not respond to this. </p><p>"Aren't you going to defend yourself?" Five said. </p><p>"No," the doctor said. "All I will say is: I am very sorry you feel that way." </p><p>"That's rich," Five said. "But don't waste your apologies, alright?" </p><p>"Why would they be a waste?" </p><p>"Fine," Five said. "I see what you mean. I was being unreasonable." </p><p>"I'm glad you recognized it," the doctor said. "But can I ask you something?" </p><p>"Just ask," Five said. "Why ask for permission to ask? It's redundant." </p><p>"Does receiving an apology make you uncomfortable?"  </p><p>Five winced.</p><p>"Is this something you've heard before?" the doctor said. </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "Look, the origins don't matter." </p><p>"They don't?" </p><p>"It was before my time," Five said. </p><p>"What do you mean?" </p><p>"Before I was born," Five said. "Me as a personality, I should say. I'm something of a brainchild. In a figurative sense." </p><p>"Like Athena?" </p><p>Five laughed. "Wow! The irony slaps me in the face, but you- wow. I'm Athena. Fuck." </p><p>"I remember Dolores identified with that goddess," the doctor said. "And you mocked her for it." </p><p>"I didn't mock her." </p><p>"You did." </p><p>"No," Five said. "Your memory has failed you, sir." </p><p>The good doctor smiled and made a show of riffling through his notes. </p><p>"Goddammit," Five said. "You're certainly tenacious." </p><p>"I have to keep up with you somehow," the doctor said, still flipping through pages. "You're a riddle begging to be solved." </p><p>"I don't beg," Five said. "That would be unbecoming." </p><p>"Aha," the doctor said. "Here it is. You called Dolores a spinster." </p><p>Five frowned at the ceiling. "Did I?" </p><p>"I have it in writing, sir," the doctor said.</p><p>"Well," Five said. "I suppose I can't refute your notebook." </p><p>He glanced back at the doctor and saw that the man was grinning. </p><p>Five scowled. "It's overdramatic to say I was mocking her." </p><p>"Spinster is a negative word," the doctor said.</p><p>"Not really," Five said. "It simply means a woman who is not married." </p><p>"That's not all it means," the doctor said. "Let's take the word 'bachelor' as a counter example." </p><p>Five sighed. </p><p>"Have I lost you?" the doctor said. </p><p>"You haven't lost me," Five said. "I see your point, alright? I'm a misogynist. I get it."</p><p>"That's not the point I was trying to make," the doctor said. </p><p>"Don't lie to me." </p><p>"I'm only saying," the doctor said. "that you mocked Dolores for her failure to capture you."</p><p>"You're still being dramatic," Five said. "Capture? As if she could throw a lasso at me and then tie me to her bed post?" </p><p>"We're almost out of time," the doctor said. "But I want you to think about power dynamics. We'll discuss them in more detail next week." </p><p>"Oh great," Five said. "Homework." </p><p>"What comes to mind," the doctor said. "when you hear the term 'power dynamics'?"</p><p>"Hierarchy," Five said. </p><p>"What else?" </p><p>"Structure," Five said. "Control?" </p><p>"Good," the doctor said. "You've got the general idea." </p><p>"So what's there to think about?" Five said. "Don't play games." </p><p>"I'll explain in more detail next week," the doctor said. </p><p>Five looked at his watch. "We still have three minutes left." </p><p>"Should I give you twelve dollars?" the doctor said. "We could end the session early." </p><p>"Wow," Five said. "So I'm being dismissed?" </p><p>"Would that be insulting?" </p><p>"Not at all," Five said. "You're the boss, after all." </p><p>"I don't want to be the boss," the doctor said. "I want to be your equal." </p><p>"Tough," Five said. "In any case, I'll be going." </p><p>"And the twelve dollars?" </p><p>"You're a poor mathematician," Five said. "It would have been twelve dollars and fifty cents." </p><p>"My bad," the doctor said. </p><p>"No matter," Five said. "Keep your change. I'll see you next week." </p><p>"Thank you," the doctor said. </p><p>
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</p><p>"Does the name Terence McKenna ring any bells?" Five said. "Novelty Theory?"</p><p>"Should it?" the doctor said. "Was he famous for that theory?" </p><p>"Not really," Five said "He was a botanist first and foremost. And a drug fiend." </p><p>"I see," the doctor said. "Why do you bring him up?" </p><p>"No reason." </p><p>"Hmm," the doctor said. "I'm starting to notice a pattern." </p><p>"Do tell," Five said. </p><p>"This is just my interpretation," the doctor said. "I feel like that disclaimer is important, before I go on." </p><p>"Yes, yes," Five said. "Therapy is guess work. I understand." </p><p>"The pattern I've noticed," the doctor said. "is that you introduce references to see if the other person is in on them." </p><p>"Is that a crime?" </p><p>"No," the doctor said. "But if they don't understand the reference, you retreat. You're disappointed, maybe? Or maybe you think their ignorance should be punished." </p><p>"Dramatics," Five muttered. </p><p>"Some synonyms," the doctor said. "Childish. Overdramatic. Paranoid. Hysterical."</p><p>"Do you need a dictionary?" Five said. "Those words are not synonymous." </p><p>"They feel synonymous," the doctor said. "You weaponize them all in the exact same way." </p><p>"Are we going to battle?" Five said. "Should I get my chainmail?" </p><p>The doctor chuckled and Five smirked. </p><p>"Humor is an important defense mechanism," the doctor said. "However-" </p><p>"Here we go," Five said. "You know what? I've had enough of this." </p><p>"What do you mean?" </p><p>"I'm terminating our contract." </p><p>"Okay," the doctor said. "Would you like me to refer you to a different therapist?" </p><p>"Excuse me?" </p><p>"It's optional," the doctor said. "And here's another option for you to consider: we can take a sabbatical." </p><p>"Interesting," Five said. </p><p>"Do you like the idea?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "Let's discuss terms." </p><p>"What terms?" </p><p>"How long are we talking?" Five said. "When do we resume?" </p><p>"I'll leave that up to you," the doctor said. "Whenever you're ready to return just contact my secretary and-" </p><p>"No," Five said. "Let's decide this now." </p><p>"Alright." </p><p>"How does six months sound?" Five said. </p><p>"Is that what you want?" the doctor said. </p><p>"Sure," Five said. </p><p>"I'm not going to bargain with you," the doctor said. "I'm an employee. If you want to leave for six months I have no reason to stop you." </p><p>Five pursed his lips. "Fine. Three months." </p><p>"We can make an appointment for three months from now," the doctor said. "Do you still want these sessions to take place on Thursdays?" </p><p>"You drive a hard bargain, sir," Five said. "One month it is." </p><p>The doctor chuckled. "Is that your final answer?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "And yes. Thursdays." </p><p>The doctor grinned. "I'm glad we're on the same page."</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Feeling attacked</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>Family affection was a kind of formal obligation. A duty only noticed by its neglect.</em>
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  <em>― T.S. Eliot</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>No one ever said being a single parent would be easy. Luckily, Grace had primary custody. Five only had to concern himself with little visits. </p><p>With that in mind, he encouraged the kids to update their visitation schedule. From now on, they could visit him twice a month. </p><p>The reason: restricting them to holidays had been cold. That was the apathetic behavior of an absentee father. Five understood that now. </p><p>Still, two at a time was preferable. He wasn't Superman. </p><p>This time it was Diego and Klaus, so Five prepared accordingly. When they arrived, he gave Klaus a warm hug and then a lighter one armed hug for Diego.  </p><p>Then, he presented them with gifts. </p><p>"Thanks?" Diego said. "But what's the occasion?" </p><p>Diego's gift was a stroke of genius. Kevlar pants. </p><p>"Can't I buy clothes for my brothers?" Five said. </p><p>"You can and you should," Klaus said. </p><p>Klaus's gift had been trickier. The boy claimed he didn't need gifts, but that was a lie. He was a sucker for pretty clothes, but surprisingly picky about style. </p><p>Five took the easy route and bought him a band t-shirt. It felt cheap, but he consoled himself with the knowledge that he had selected the perfect band: The Orion Experience. </p><p>"This is the best gift ever," Klaus said. "Thank you and I love you." </p><p>Five grinned. "You're welcome." </p><p>Diego cleared his throat. "Thank you." </p><p>"You don't need to say it twice," Five said. "So, what are we doing for dinner?" </p><p>"Pizza!" Klaus said. "Please?" </p><p>"That sounds good to me," Five said. "What do you think, Diego?" </p><p>"Yeah, sounds good." </p><p>"Excellent," Five said. "I'll order it." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next morning, Five was in good spirits. For once, everything was going according to plan. </p><p><em>Take that Dolores!</em> Five thought. <em>I'm winning! </em></p><p>To celebrate, he decided to make scrambled eggs for breakfast. Enough for the whole family.</p><p>When Klaus wandered into the kitchen, he beamed. </p><p>"Hell yeah," Klaus said. "You got yourself a healthy appetite?" </p><p>Five puffed himself up proudly. "Yes, I do." </p><p>Klaus grinned. "Good boy." </p><p>Five laughed. </p><p>Klaus winked. "As for me, I slept like a baby." </p><p>"Excellent," Five said. "Your sleep pattern has stabilized?" </p><p>"Fuck yeah it has!" Klaus said. "Look at all this character growth." </p><p>Five grinned. "We deserve a reward." </p><p>"We do! We totally do!" </p><p>"What should we do?" Five said. "Do you want to go somewhere?" </p><p>"You have something in mind?" Klaus said. </p><p>"Do you like the zoo?" Five said. </p><p>"Meh," Klaus said. "I'm burnt out on that." </p><p>"Fair enough," Five said. "Don't worry, we'll think of something." </p><p>"What about a planetarium?" Klaus said. "You love astronomy, right?" </p><p>Five tilted his head. "Did you get that from Baby Five?" </p><p>Klaus winced. </p><p>"I'm not offended," Five said. "A planetarium sounds nice, but Diego wouldn't like that." </p><p>"Oh," Klaus said. "Right. Um." </p><p>Diego chose that moment to walk into the kitchen.</p><p>"Who says I don't like planetariums?" </p><p>Klaus smirked. "Eavesdropping?" </p><p>"No," Diego said. "I just woke up. Jesus, get off my back." </p><p>"He was kidding," Five said. </p><p>"No, I wasn't," Klaus said. </p><p>"I wasn't eavesdropping," Diego said. "I'm not like you." </p><p>"Wow," Klaus said. "Like you're above it all?" </p><p>"Settle down," Five said. "There's no need to fight." </p><p>"Yeah, Diego," Klaus said. "Don't pick a fight." </p><p>"You're the one picking a fight!" Diego said. </p><p>"Stop it," Five said. "We're all adults here, aren't we?" </p><p>Diego sighed. </p><p>Klaus stuck his tongue out at them and Diego stiffened. </p><p>Five tensed and wondered if he should rewind. </p><p>But that would be cheating. </p><p>Diego took a deep breath. Then he said, "I want to go to the planetarium." </p><p>Five blinked. "You do?" </p><p>Diego nodded stiffly. </p><p>"You don't have to lie," Five said. "We can pick something we all like." </p><p>"I'm not fucking lying!" Diego said. </p><p>"Okay," Five said. "I apologize. I didn't mean to accuse you." </p><p>"Ugh," Diego said. "It's fine. I forgive you." </p><p>"Thank you," Five said. "Then it's settled. We'll go to the planetarium." </p><p>"Fuck yes," Klaus said. "My shirt's gonna glow in the dark!" </p><p>Five laughed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When they got home, Klaus made them dinner. It was a Mexican dish. Something he'd learned from one of his boyfriends.</p><p>And it was... flavorful. Difficult to eat, but Five mustered through it without complaint. Food was food, after all. </p><p>Plus, he'd had an epiphany. These kids put an emotional significance into their food. For them, it was a love language. To decline would be to insult the cook, so Five ate until his plate was spotless. </p><p>Klaus gave him a serving that was a little too large, but that didn't matter. It hurt his stomach, but what was a little pain? </p><p>Nothing at all, for family. </p><p>Dolores understood that much, but she wasn't strong enough to handle this. That was why she'd killed herself. It all made sense now. </p><p>Five had decided once and for all. He would be <em>better.</em></p><p>He was already succeeding. Diego had mellowed out over the course of the day. Klaus was cheerful, humming and joking and regaling them with stories of his varied exploits at comedy clubs. </p><p>So everything was going according to plan.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>At 10 p.m. an alarm on Diego's phone went off. </p><p>"Oh," Diego said. "It's already time to sleep." </p><p>"I don't wannaaaa," Klaus said. "Can't we stay up a little longer this time?" </p><p>"No," Diego said. "We have to go to bed." </p><p>"Please daddy?" Klaus teased. "Pretty please?" </p><p>Diego snorted. </p><p>Five playfully put his hands on his hips so he could pretend to scold Klaus. </p><p>"Now listen here, young man," Five said. "Your father said it's bedtime. So it's bedtime." </p><p>Diego blinked. </p><p>Klaus giggled. "But mommy!" </p><p>"Don't make me spank you," Five said. </p><p>Klaus grinned. "I dare you to spank me." </p><p>"Okay, stop!" Diego said. "What the hell are you doing?" </p><p>"Aw," Klaus said. "Did it cross a line?" </p><p>Five frowned. "Oh?"</p><p>"Yes!" Diego said. "It crossed a fucking line!" </p><p>"Apologies," Five said. "It's a running joke, is all." </p><p>Diego sputtered. </p><p>"It's platonic," Klaus said. "It's harmless." </p><p>"It sounded kinky as fuck!" Diego said. "That's not okay." </p><p>"Kinky?" Five said. "How was it kinky?" </p><p>Klaus puffed himself up. "You see, when a man and a man love each other very much-" </p><p>"Stop it, Klaus!" Diego said. "You can't talk about that shit with him." </p><p>"Excuse me?" Five said. "I may be old fashioned, but I'm not a homophobe." </p><p>"I'm not calling you a homophobe," Diego said. </p><p>"No," Klaus said. "He's calling me a pedophile." </p><p>"What?" Five said. </p><p>"No," Diego said. "That's not-" </p><p>"Cause it's fine if Allison and Luther want to touch tongues," Klaus said. "Diego will just laugh and give Luther a fist bump, but if <em>I</em> give Baby Five too many hugs he freaks out as if I'm about to rape him." </p><p>"They touched tongues?" Five said. "Why didn't you tell me?" </p><p>"Okay what the <em>fuck," </em>Diego said. "I'm not calling you a rapist." </p><p>"You are too!" Klaus said. "And can I just say it's very offensive? It's a dangerous stereotype that has plagued my people for centuries!" </p><p>"I'm not being homophobic," Diego said. </p><p>"Yes, you are," Klaus said. </p><p>"Wait," Five said. "Rewind. I'm lost." </p><p>"It's not about that," Diego said. "I'm just saying, you have to be careful with Five. He takes things literally." </p><p>"I'm <em>right </em>here," Five said. "And I don't take things literally."</p><p>"Wow," Klaus said. "This is the Catherine drama all over again." </p><p>"What about Catherine?" Five said. "There was drama?" </p><p>"This has nothing to do with her," Diego said. </p><p>Klaus rolled his eyes, then turned to Five.</p><p>"She triggered him and now he's taking it out on me." </p><p>"She didn't fucking trigger me," Diego said. </p><p>"Oh honey," Klaus said. "You're in denial." </p><p>"Fuck off!" Diego said. </p><p>"Let's stay calm," Five said. </p><p>"Fuck you!" Diego said. </p><p>Five frowned. He rewinded a couple of seconds and changed his phrasing to:</p><p>"Diego, I want to get to the bottom of this. Will you help me do that?" </p><p>"No," Diego said. "It's not something you need to worry about." </p><p>"Regardless, I am worried," Five said. "There seems to have been some kind of misunderstanding?" </p><p>"No," Klaus said. "Diego's just being an asshole." </p><p>"I'm just saying," Diego said. "Like, I'm not trying to, um, accuse you of anything. You just... fuck." </p><p>"I am feeling <em>so</em> attacked right now," Klaus said. "This isn't the first time, but you know what? No more mister nice Klaus. <em>You're</em> the one that crossed a line." </p><p>"Now hold on," Five said. "Diego didn't mean to hurt your feelings." </p><p>"I really didn't," Diego said. "Um, did I trigger you? I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. You know that." </p><p>"Yeah I fucking know that," Klaus said. "But why am I always the one who has to roll over and just put up with it?" </p><p>"It sounds unfair," Five said. "From now on, you should voice your feelings, Klaus." </p><p>"I <em>am</em> voicing my feelings," Klaus said. </p><p>"You're absolutely right," Five said. "You've done a very good job today." </p><p>Klaus sniffed primly. "Thank you." </p><p>"Okay look," Diego said. "Um, can we go to the park?" </p><p>"Absolutely not," Five said. </p><p>"Why not?" Diego said. </p><p>"Wait," Klaus said. "Who are you inviting?" </p><p>"I'm inviting you," Diego said. "Five has to go to bed, but you and me... we can stay up and, um, hang out at the park." </p><p>"No," Five said. "That's forbidden." </p><p>Diego frowned. "It is?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "The curfew applies to all three of us. It's time for bed." </p><p>The boys glanced at each other, then studied Five closely.</p><p><em>I'm being put under the microscope,</em> Five thought grimly.<em> I've fucked up again. </em></p><p>"You know what?" Klaus said. "I'm exhausted." </p><p>"Me too," Diego said. "We can, uh, we'll talk about this tomorrow." </p><p>"Good," Five said. "Goodnight." </p><p>With that, he teleported to Allison's room. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He listened intently, but couldn't hear their voices. Did this mean they were following the rules or that they'd gotten better at whispering? </p><p>To be on the safe side, Five waited an hour. </p><p>Then, he teleported into Claire's room. </p><p>Klaus was sitting in the unicorn pile. He startled, flinching as if a bomb had just gone off. </p><p>"I'm so sorry," Five whispered. "Did I scare you?" </p><p>Klaus shrugged. "PTSD moment." </p><p>"Oh," Five murmured. "Thank you for telling me. In the future, I'll text a warning." </p><p>Klaus shrugged again and picked up one of the unicorns, hugging it to his chest.</p><p>It was a sign of distress. </p><p>"Do you want me to leave?" </p><p>"No," Klaus said. "You needed something?" </p><p>"Consent," Five said. "The park?" </p><p>"Sure." Klaus held out his hand, palm up. </p><p>Five grabbed on and pulled them through a spatial jump. </p><p>There was a bench that Klaus favored. It had a good view of the pond, but that was a moot point after dark. </p><p>Still, they sat there. </p><p>"Okay. So," Five said. "I think I understand why you're upset." </p><p>"No," Klaus said. "You don't." </p><p>"I do," Five insisted. "Your brother is difficult. I know that better than anyone." </p><p>Klaus sighed. "I guess." </p><p>"He's like Vanya," Five said. "They're sensitive, so we have to be careful with our language." </p><p>"No," Klaus said. "I'm tired of their bullshit." </p><p>"It's exhausting," Five agreed. "But they can't help themselves. They're hurting, so-" </p><p>"I'm hurting too!" Klaus said. "Don't you care about me?" </p><p>"I do care about you," Five said. "I love you. I didn't mean to show Diego favoritism." </p><p>Klaus groaned. </p><p>"Sorry," Five said. </p><p>"Don't be sorry," Klaus said. "I get it. I'll be nice." </p><p>"Thank you," Five said. "And listen. I enjoy our jokes, but maybe we should keep them between us?" </p><p>"What do you mean?" </p><p>"You know," Five said. "You saw the way Diego reacted." </p><p>"So I'm not allowed to joke in front of Diego now?" </p><p>"You're allowed to joke," Five said. "Just avoid the mommy and daddy gag. It reminds him of his abuse?" </p><p>"Wow," Klaus said. "Is that what we're calling it?" </p><p>"You were all raised in an abusive household," Five said. "You've coped in different ways, but-" </p><p>"Hold the phone," Klaus said. </p><p>Five tilted his head and waited patiently. </p><p>"You were there too," Klaus said. </p><p>Five cleared his throat. "Of course. You're right." </p><p>"Don't just pretend to agree," Klaus said. </p><p>"I'm not pretending," Five said. "I've recognized it. I told my doctor-" </p><p>"Hey!" Like a lion leaping out of the bushes, Diego burst out of the surrounding darkness. "What the fuck!" </p><p>He was breathing heavily. He must have been running.</p><p>"What the fuck!" Diego repeated, voice cracking on the word 'fuck.'</p><p>Five sighed. </p><p>"Sorry," Klaus said. "Five loves me more." </p><p>"That's not true," Five said. </p><p>"You can't pull this bullshit!" Diego shouted. "You thought I wouldn't fucking notice?" </p><p>"I hoped you wouldn't," Five said. </p><p>"Fuck you!" Diego said. </p><p>Five rewinded. </p><p>"I'm very sorry," Five said. </p><p>"Fuck you!" </p><p>Five rewinded. </p><p>"I'm worried about you," Five said. </p><p>"Fuck off!" </p><p>That was better, but not good enough. Five rewinded. </p><p>"We're trying to help you," Five said. </p><p>"You can shove your help up your ass," Diego said. </p><p>Five rewinded. </p><p>But it was a foolish endeavour. There was no consoling a man like Diego. </p><p>Five tried anyway. He rewinded until he was dizzy with it. </p><p>Luckily, he was already sitting down. </p><p>"Look at him," Klaus said. "You're hurting him." </p><p>"What?" Diego said. </p><p>Five was a little out of breath, but he managed to choke out, "I didn't mean to." </p><p>"No," Klaus said. "I was talking to Diego."</p><p>"How did I hurt him?" Diego said. </p><p>"He's afraid of you," Klaus said.</p><p>Five blinked.</p><p>Diego knelt in front of him. "Are you okay?"</p><p>Five frowned at Diego, then at Klaus. </p><p>"I'm not..." For some reason, he was having trouble regaining his breath. </p><p>"Deep breaths," Klaus said. "Close your eyes." </p><p><em>Goddammit,</em> Five thought. <em>This again?</em> </p><p>Five did not close his eyes. Instead, he tried to teleport. </p><p>But he was out of juice. His fists glowed weakly, then sputtered out. </p><p>"Five?" Diego said. "What are you thinking?" </p><p>"I... no," Five said. </p><p>"Don't talk," Klaus said. "Just breathe." </p><p>Breathe? There was no air. </p><p>"You can do it," Klaus said. "I'll breathe with you." </p><p>Klaus took an exaggeratedly big breath. </p><p>"What did I do?" Diego said. </p><p>"Shut up," Klaus said. </p><p>"Be nice," Five choked out. "to your... brother."  </p><p>Diego's eyes widened. </p><p><em>Fuck!</em> Five thought.</p><p>"O-our brother," Five amended.</p><p>"Shh," Klaus said. "Don't worry. Don't worry." </p><p>Diego was still kneeling. </p><p>"Get up," Five said. </p><p>Diego looked so sad and worried and it wasn't <em>right.</em> It wasn't acceptable! </p><p>"Get up!" Five shouted. </p><p>Diego scrambled to his feet and lifted his arms, as if he were being held at gunpoint. </p><p>Then he was shot. Straight through the head. The bullet got him right in the forehead. </p><p>Five was holding the gun.</p><p>"I shot him," Five said. "Oh my god. I shot him?" </p><p>"No," Klaus said. "It's a hallucination." </p><p>Diego was still standing, but the blood was dripping into his face. His eyes were glassy. </p><p>"He's dead!" Five shrieked. "I killed him!" </p><p>Klaus hugged him. "No, you didn't!" </p><p>"Yes, I did!" Five sobbed. "He's gone. He's gone!" </p><p>"It's not real," Klaus said. "It's not real. I swear to God." </p><p>"It's not real," Diego's corpse said. "I'm alive. I'm okay." </p><p>"My god," Five said. "Jesus Christ. Goddammit."</p><p>"I'm alive," Diego repeated. </p><p>He finally put his arms down.</p><p>"Touch his wrist," Klaus said. "Find his pulse."</p><p>Five scrambled to follow these directions and Diego cooperated. </p><p>When he could feel Diego's heartbeat, the blood faded away. Diego's eye's returned to normal. </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "I saved you." </p><p>Diego was crying. "Thank you." </p><p>"You don't need to thank me," Five said. "I'm just glad you're alive." </p><p>"Me too," Diego said. "We're all alive. You saved us, Five." </p><p>"I'm a hero," Five said. </p><p>"Yeah," Diego said. "You're Superman." </p><p>Five chuckled. "And you're Batman." </p><p>That made Diego laugh, but it was an odd laughter. So many tears were involved.</p><p>"Schadenfreude?" Five said. </p><p>"Schadenfreude," Klaus agreed. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Number One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>A metaphor's desire to transcend diminishes any human story: its ambition to illuminate blinds those who create metaphors. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>― Yiyun Li</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dr. Kashif was a cool dude. Ben wanted to ask him where he had gotten his clothes, but that would probably be unprofessional. </p><p>"So last time we were talking about Luther," Kashif said. "And how you were raised in a competitive environment." </p><p>"He was Dad's favorite," Ben said. "But I didn't care about that." </p><p>"Okay," Kashif said. "But now you do?" </p><p>"It's about Five," Ben said. "Like, we all split up into our own groups, you know? And for me, I had Vanya and Five. I was their favorite and they were my favorites." </p><p>"I see," Kashif said. </p><p>Ben scratched his cheek. "Um, but me and Vanya... Uh, our friendship is complicated. It's, like, a jumble of knots?" </p><p>"I see," Kashif said. "Let's try to untangle it."</p><p>"Yes, please." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"And then she said Five trusts Luther more!" Ben said. "I was like 'what the hell?' Cause I had no idea." </p><p>"Did Five agree with her?" </p><p>"He didn't deny it," Ben said. "So now whenever I see Luther and Baby Five bonding over astronomy I get really insecure." </p><p>"Ah," Kashif said. "She shook your view of your standing in the household." </p><p>"Exactly," Ben said. "I feel like I was demoted again." </p><p>"And how did you respond?" </p><p>"I didn't do anything bad," Ben said. </p><p>"This isn't about what's good or bad," Kashif said. "We just need to be mindful of our behavior. In particular, what motivates our behavior." </p><p>"Okay," Ben said. "I've been pretending to be into astronomy." </p><p>"Understandable," Kashif said. "You were doing something similar with Old Five, weren't you?" </p><p>"I was pretending to be into everything he's into," Ben said. "But, like, we usually have the same taste. It's... like, okay, sometimes I don't like the books he likes, but usually... it's usually good." </p><p>"Again," Kashif said. "This isn't about good or bad. It's okay to dislike something Five likes. And it's okay for him to feel the same." </p><p>"I know," Ben said. "You're right." </p><p>"Have you talked to Luther about this?" Kashif said. "Or to either of the Fives?" </p><p>"I can't do that," Ben said. </p><p>"Why not?" </p><p>"It's emotional blackmail," Ben said. </p><p>"Why do you say that?" </p><p>"Klaus says I guilt trip people," Ben said. "And he's right. I'm terrible." </p><p>"Were you doing it on purpose?" </p><p>Ben frowned. "Of course not." </p><p>"Then you aren't terrible," Kashif said. "You're a person who made a mistake. Then, when the mistake was pointed out to you, you made an effort to change your behavior." </p><p>"Right," Ben said. "But I'm a horrible person." </p><p>"Okay," Kashif said. "Let's unpack that." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Ben said. "So, I won't do that anymore." </p><p>"It's not something we can control," Kashif said. "But if you catch yourself falling into a guilt spiral, you'll understand why." </p><p>"And I can pull myself out," Ben said. "Yeah. I get it. Thanks." </p><p>"Your welcome," Kashif said. </p><p>"But how do I fix things with Five?" Ben said. "How do I stop myself from getting jealous of Luther?" </p><p>"There isn't an easy solution." </p><p>"It's not just Luther either," Ben said. "It's everyone! It's like... um." </p><p>"You feel possessive?" Kashif said. "Of Five?" </p><p>"Yes!" Ben said. "With both Fives. Like, I never want to share. And I know it's wrong." </p><p>"But now that you've realized it," Kashif said. "You can talk yourself out of it." </p><p>"I don't think it'll work the same," Ben said. "I can't talk myself out of it. I've already tried and I always fail." </p><p>"I'm afraid there isn't an easy solution." </p><p>Ben sighed. </p><p>"It's something to work on," Kashif said. "We're out of time, but we can talk about this more next week." </p><p>"Oh," Ben said. "It flew by." </p><p>"We've been very busy," Kashif said. "You've done a good job today, Ben." </p><p>"Thanks," Ben said. "Hey, sorry, um, but if I can talk Baby Five into it can you make an appointment with him? Just him by himself." </p><p>"Yes," Kashif said. "But don't force him. Therapy, as a medicine, is not effective unless the patient is willing to work with his doctor. The prescription by itself is useless." </p><p>"That's a great metaphor," Ben said. "Maybe he'll like it." </p><p>Kashif chuckled. "Maybe." </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>This time, Ben went to California with Luther. It made him nervous, but he wasn't in charge of the schedule. </p><p>He tried to stop thinking about Vanya. About what she'd said about Five trusting Luther the most. </p><p>But it was stuck in his brain goop.</p><p><em>I'll earn Five's trust back,</em> Ben reassured himself. <em>I'll win it back and I'll never reveal a secret ever again. </em></p><p>But Five wasn't sharing secrets anymore. </p><p>So. How do you prove yourself trustworthy to a man as paranoid as a conspiracy theorist? </p><p>When Five appeared in the Cleveland meeting spot he gave them his biggest and fakest smile. It was straight up Hollywood.</p><p>"Greetings." Five was chuckling to himself. "Salutations." </p><p>Ben did his best to smile back. "Greetings and salutations, comrade." </p><p>"Haha," Luther said. "Are we doing a Russian thing?" </p><p>Not as far as Ben knew, but he was more than happy to play it off like an inside joke. </p><p>"Never you mind," Ben said. </p><p>Five grinned and it looked more genuine this time.</p><p><em>Hell yes!</em> Ben thought. <em>Suck it, Luther! You don't speak the lingo! </em></p><p>Five cleared his throat. "I wasn't making a reference. Just enjoying language. You know." </p><p>Ben nodded eagerly. "I get it." </p><p>"Alrighty then," Five said. "We ready to go?" </p><p>"Yes sir," Luther said. </p><p>"Excellent," Five said. "Grab my hands." </p><p>Ben had prepared ahead of time. He'd made sure to stand on Luther's left, so that he'd get offered Five's left hand for the jump.</p><p>Luther wouldn't even notice, so it wasn't mean. The left hand, right hand thing had been a competition between him and Vanya, growing up. </p><p>When they landed in Allison's living room Five made a show of dusting himself off. </p><p>"Now then," Five said. "Have you guys eaten?" </p><p>"Not yet," Ben said. </p><p>"Uh, I had a late breakfast," Luther said. "But I can have a snack?" </p><p>"Snacks for lunch," Five said. "Understood." </p><p>"We don't have to all eat the same thing," Luther said. "You two can have a proper meal." </p><p>Five frowned. </p><p>"I'm good with whatever," Ben said. "Heck, I'd happily eat chips for lunch." </p><p>Luther chuckled. "That's no good, Ben." </p><p>"Luther is right," Five said. "You're a growing boy." </p><p>
  <em>Fuck!</em>
</p><p>"I was kidding," Ben said. "Um, what do you want to eat, Five?" </p><p>"Let's see," Five said. "Something light. Hmm. Quesadillas?" </p><p>"Great," Ben said. "I love quesadillas." </p><p>"Excellent," Five said. "Does that work, Luther?" </p><p>"Yeah," Luther said. "But..." </p><p>Five was watching Luther closely. </p><p><em>Is he trying to impress Luther?!</em> Ben thought. <em>Baby Five isn't like this! </em></p><p>"First," Luther said. "Let me just say: I'm not trying to judge you." </p><p>"That's alright," Five said. "Say what you need to say." </p><p>Luther shifted uncomfortably. </p><p>"Speak," Five said. "Now." </p><p>"Yessir," Luther said. "Um, Allison asked me to have a talk with you." </p><p>Ben blinked. </p><p>"I see," Five said. "Is this a recent development or something you've been procrastinating?" </p><p>Luther frowned. </p><p>"I only ask," Five said. "because Allison mustered up the courage to talk to me herself. She voiced her concerns and I heard them." </p><p>"You heard them?" Luther said. </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "And we came to an agreement." </p><p>"What agreement?" Ben said. </p><p>"In exchange for speaking with straightforwardness," Five said. "I rewarded her by making an adjustment to my diet." </p><p><em>Straightforwardness?</em> Ben thought. </p><p>"That's good!" Luther said. "Two birds with one stone." </p><p>Five snapped his fingers. "Exactly." </p><p>
  <em>Shit! I'm losing!</em>
</p><p>"So you don't need to worry," Five said. "I have an idea though. Let's add chicken to the quesadillas. Like they do in the restaurants." </p><p>"Oh," Luther said. "You know how to do that?" </p><p>"How hard can it be?" Five said. "I'll figure it out." </p><p>"We can google it," Luther said. "I'll help you." </p><p>"Good," Five said. "Now that we have a plan-" </p><p>"Wait," Ben said. "What should I do?" </p><p>Five tilted his head. "Do?" </p><p>Thinking fast, Ben said, "Requesting instructions, sir." </p><p>Five laughed. "At ease, soldier." </p><p>"But I don't want to be at ease," Ben insisted. "Can I help too?" </p><p>"Oh," Five said. "Sure. Um, the kitchen is small, but I'm sure we can-" </p><p>"That's okay," Luther said. "You guys can handle lunch. I'll, um, I'll be on standby." </p><p>"My, oh my," Five said. "This family is so militaristic." </p><p>"Apologies," Ben said. </p><p>Five awkwardly patted him on the shoulder.</p><p>"It's not a bad thing. Don't worry." </p><p>"It's how we were raised," Luther said. "Habits, you know." </p><p>"I understand," Five said. "Don't worry. There's nothing wrong with it." </p><p>"Thank you," Luther said. </p><p>Five frowned. </p><p>"Your welcome!" Ben said. </p><p>Luther chuckled nervously. </p><p>"I see," Five said. "Your welcome?" </p><p>"Thank you," Luther repeated. </p><p>Five studied him. "Go entertain yourself, will you?" </p><p>Luther nodded. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"What did I do?" Five whispered. </p><p>"What do you mean?" Ben whispered. </p><p>They were alone in the kitchen. Trying to figure out how to boil a chicken breast. </p><p>It was something Ben had tried before, but he was always messing up. He would over boil it or he would under boil it or he would fail and die and he was a terrible cook! </p><p>Ben took a deep breath and glanced at Five. </p><p>Five was watching him. </p><p>"Sorry," Ben murmured. "I spaced out for a second. What were you saying?" </p><p>"Are you okay?" Five said. "Do you have PTSD too?" </p><p>"No," Ben said. "That's just Klaus." </p><p>"Are you lying to me?" Five said. </p><p>"No, sir." </p><p>"Uh huh," Five said. "I'm starting to think this entire family has been infected with PTSD." </p><p>Before Ben could respond, Five flickered with blue light. </p><p>"Hey!" Ben said. "Cheating!" </p><p>"I apologize," Five said. "I'm only trying to help." </p><p>"Don't do it," Ben said. "It's not healthy." </p><p>"You're right, of course." Five cleared his throat. "I will behave myself." </p><p>"Thank you," Ben said. "I won't ask you what I missed, but if you do that again I might cry. It won't be on purpose, I swear it won't, but I-" </p><p>"You don't have to explain yourself," Five said. "And there's no shame in crying." </p><p>"Yes, there is," Ben said. "But whatever. I'm the family crybaby. I already know it. And I accepted it." </p><p>"Alright," Five said. "I, um, I accept your acceptance?" </p><p>"Thank you," Ben said. </p><p>"I have a question," Five said. </p><p>"Okay?" </p><p>"Why do you peo- fuck." </p><p>"It's okay," Ben said. "I'm not like Diego." </p><p>Five sighed. </p><p>"Go ahead," Ben said. "What did we do?" </p><p>"You boys," Five said. "The both of you." </p><p>"Me and Luther?" </p><p>"You keep thanking me," Five said. "This isn't the first time, but I... I feel that it has gotten worse?" </p><p>Ben grinned. "Oh! I get it." </p><p>"What do you get?" </p><p>"Baby Five has the same hang up," Ben said. "Sorry, I know we're not supposed to compare-" </p><p>"Why not?" </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"Why shouldn't you compare?" Five said. "I understand that I, um, I may have lost my temper in the past. But my doctor has, uh..." </p><p>"You had a breakthrough?" Ben said. </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "It was the age thing." </p><p>"What was?" </p><p>"Baby Five is a baby," Five said. "I am not a baby." </p><p>"Oh," Ben said. "He also hates being called a baby. That makes sense too. It's an insult." </p><p>Five smiled. "Exactly." </p><p>He looked so relieved, which made Ben straighten up proudly. He was tempted to salute, but restrained himself. </p><p>"So the thing with the thank yous," Five said. "I have a theory. Please, don't get offended." </p><p>"I promise," Ben said. "I will not get offended." </p><p>"It's a self esteem thing, isn't it?" </p><p>Ben blinked.</p><p>"Do you catch my meaning?" Five said. </p><p>Ben gulped. "Yes, sir." </p><p>"It's okay if you don't," Five said. "Don't stress yourself." </p><p>"I get it!" Ben insisted. </p><p>"Okay," Five said. "I believe you." </p><p><em>He's lying,</em> Ben thought. </p><p>"Thank you," Ben said. "Shit! I'm sor- apologies!" </p><p>"I thought we had an agreement," Five said.  </p><p>Ben flinched. </p><p>"We'll no longer censor ourselves," Five said. "Didn't we say that?" </p><p>"I'm sorry," Ben said. </p><p>"It's okay," Five said. "I forgive you. I love you." </p><p>"I love you more," Ben said, miserably. </p><p>"Cheer up," Five said. "Do you want to be excused?" </p><p>
  <em>Dismissal! Fuck. Game over. You lost, you lost, you fucking lost you pathetic loser.  </em>
</p><p>"Yessir," Ben said. </p><p>"Okay," Five said. "I'll finish up in here." </p><p>Ben nodded and hurried out of the kitchen. </p><p>It was a good thing he'd called dibs on Claire's room ahead of time. Luther wasn't in there, so Ben had the freedom to throw himself into the unicorn pile. </p><p>It helped. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Lunch was awkward, but Ben was feeling a lot better. </p><p>Five had fucked up the chicken. </p><p>It was wrong to be happy about someone else's failure, but knowing it and believing it were too different things. </p><p>"We can go to a restaurant for dinner," Luther was saying. "Maybe Chick Fil A?" </p><p>"Those sandwiches are horrendously massive," Five said. "I refuse to touch them." </p><p>"That's okay," Luther said. "Um, they also sell nuggets?" </p><p>"That's an acceptable compromise," Five said. "But don't forget Ben." </p><p>Ben tilted his head. "What about me?" </p><p>"You should have a choice in the matter," Five said. "Do you like Chick Fil A?" </p><p>"Yeah," Ben said. "Sounds good." </p><p>"Good," Five said. "Glad we settled the matter." </p><p>"Um, so do you want to go to the planetarium?" Ben said. "I know you already went with Klaus and Diego, but... um, I'm curious about it." </p><p>Five smiled. "That sounds fun. Luther?" </p><p>"It sounds great," Luther said. "The planetarium here is bigger than the one in New York, right?" </p><p>"I wouldn't know," Five said. </p><p>"Um, right," Luther said. "Sorry, Klaus said it was." </p><p>"Why are you sorry?" Five said. "I wasn't trying to scold you." </p><p>"My bad," Luther said. </p><p>"That's it," Five said. "We need to have a talk." </p><p>"Did he mess up?" Ben said. </p><p>"No," Five said. "No one messed up." </p><p>"But it <em>feels</em> like I messed up," Luther said. "Did the rules change again?" </p><p>"Forget about the rules," Five said. "Throw them out." </p><p>"Why?" Ben said. "It's not the same as self-censorship." </p><p>"I'm starting to think that it <em>is</em> the same," Five said. "It's metaphorically synonymous." </p><p>"You lost me," Luther said. </p><p>"Let me be clear," Five said. "You're not in trouble."</p><p>"Oh," Luther said. "That's good." </p><p>"I'm speaking from a place of concern," Five said. "You boys both have a dangerously low self esteem." </p><p>Luther laughed. "Oh! I knew that." </p><p>"Me too!" Ben said. "I knew it too!" </p><p>Five looked confused. "You're not offended?" </p><p>"No," Luther said. "It's true. It's not an insult. You're just telling us what you've noticed." </p><p>"Yeah," Ben said. "And in the kitchen, I wasn't insulted either. I think you thought I was, but I wasn't!" </p><p>"Oh," Five said. </p><p>"And I understood what you were saying," Ben said. "You have to believe me this time." </p><p>"Alright," Five said. "Um, I'm glad we're on the same page." </p><p>"I'm working on it with Dr. Duchemin," Luther said. "You don't have to worry." </p><p>"I'm working on it too!" Ben said. "With Dr. Kashif. I am!" </p><p>"I believe you," Five said. </p><p>Luther and Five exchanged a look. It made Ben's heart race. </p><p>They were leaving him out of something! Ben could feel it. They were talking without talking. </p><p>It was all the proof he needed. He had to face it now: Luther had successfully stolen the vault. </p><p>"I'm done eating," Ben said. "May I be excused?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "Text me if you need anything." </p><p>"Yessir," Ben said. </p><p>He tried to leave slowly, so that they wouldn't notice he was running away. </p><p>Then later, with the unicorns, Ben cried as quietly as possible. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It wasn't over yet. He could still make a comeback. He could win, he could win!  </p><p>They had decided to watch a movie. Five said it was his turn to choose and Ben recognized it as an opportunity to redeem himself. </p><p>He thought long and hard about the movies Five and Baby Five had approved of in the past. It was tempting to just pick The Imitation Game, but that felt like cheating. </p><p>No, it wasn't good enough. Instead of picking a movie Five already liked, he had to come up with something new.</p><p>Something impressive. </p><p>But he didn't know what to pick. </p><p>The longer he took to choose, the more anxious he got about it... and the more anxious he got about it, the harder it was to choose. </p><p>"There's no rush," Five said. "Take your time." </p><p>Five was notoriously impatient. He didn't look frustrated, but he was a better actor than Baby Five. </p><p>Ben could feel himself panicking. </p><p>"Maybe we should let Luther choose," Five said. "Does that sound better?" </p><p>"No!" Ben said.</p><p>Five frowned. </p><p>"I'll be faster," Ben said, more calmly. "Please, just give me a chance?" </p><p>"You don't need to be fast," Five said. "I just thought you might find it easier?" </p><p>"No," Ben said. "Please, don't give it to Luther. I'm begging you." </p><p>"Don't beg," Five said. "I didn't realize it was so important to you. I'm very sorry." </p><p>"Don't be sorry," Ben said. "It's my fault." </p><p>"No," Five said. "I think we aren't understanding each other." </p><p>Ben flinched. He'd failed again. </p><p>"It's okay!" Five said. "We can talk this out." </p><p>"I <em>do</em> understand you," Ben insisted. "I know you best!" </p><p>Five flickered. </p><p>Code blue! </p><p>"Fuck!" Ben said. </p><p>"Please, don't panic," Five said. </p><p>"I messed up!" Ben said. "I failed!" </p><p>Luther had been waiting for them in the living room, but now he poked his stupid head into the room.</p><p>"Are you guys okay?" Luther said. </p><p>"Fuck off, Luther!" Ben shouted. </p><p>Five flickered again. </p><p>"Shit!" Ben said. "I'll be nicer, I'm sorry-"</p><p>"Wait," Five said. "Let me-" </p><p>"I'm so <em>so</em> sorry," Ben said. "Please, don't hate me!" </p><p>"I love you," Five said. "My love is unconditional, do you hear me?" </p><p>"I understand!" Ben said. </p><p>"I don't think you do," Five said. </p><p>That did it. The dam broke. </p><p>Ben cried uncontrollably. The worst kind! The loudest kind!</p><p>"Fuck," Five said. "Luther-" </p><p>"No!" Ben said. "I want to be Number One!" </p><p>Five flickered again.</p><p>"You're my favorite," Five said. "I love you the most. I always have and I always will." </p><p>"You're lying," Ben sobbed. </p><p>"No," Five said. "It's true. I love you like Artemis loves Apollo." </p><p>"Fuck you!" Ben said. "You've been saying that to Vanya and Allison!" </p><p>"Fuck," Five said. "Um, I love you like-" </p><p>"Guys," Luther said. "Can you pause for a second?" </p><p>"I hate you, Luther!" Ben screamed. "You stole him from me!" </p><p>"No!" Five said. "That's not true!" </p><p>"Guys!" Luther said. </p><p>"You're on standby, Luther," Five said. "Go wait in the living room." </p><p>"No," Luther said. </p><p>Five flickered again, but Ben took a vindictive pleasure in it this time. </p><p>Because this time, it was obviously Luther's fault. </p><p>"Let's go to the park, Ben," Five said. "Just us. Hmm? How does that sound?" </p><p>"Fuck yes," Ben said. </p><p>"Wait," Luther said. "Can we-" </p><p>Five threw his arms around Ben. They blinked to the park. </p><p>"Let's dry those eyes," Five said. "I love you so much it hurts, so please don't cry." </p><p>Feeling better already, Ben took a deep breath. </p><p>Ben nodded and wiped at his eyes. </p><p>Five squeezed him tightly and ran his fingers through Ben's hair. </p><p>It was perfect. Better than back rubs, which were level three. Head pats or pets were, like, level six. No, they were level twelve! </p><p>This logic was enough to reassure Ben that he had won. </p><p>"Will you do me a favor?" Ben said. </p><p>"What do you need?" Five said. </p><p>"Can we go somewhere else?" Ben said. </p><p>"Okay," Five said. "Where are we going?" </p><p>"The zoo?" </p><p>"Sure," Five said. "They'll close soon, but that doesn't matter. When they kick us out I can blink us back in. We can stay for as long as you want."</p><p><em>Hell yeah,</em> Ben thought. <em>Maybe Luther won't think to look there. </em></p><p>Then: <em>Fuck, I'm a horrible person. But I don't give a FUCK today!</em></p><p>Eventually, Ben noticed someone's phone was ringing. </p><p>"I think that's yours," Five said.  </p><p>"I'll call them back," Ben said. </p><p>"It's probably Luther," Five said. </p><p>"I'll call him back later," Ben said. </p><p>They listened to the phone as it continued to ring. Ben stubbornly left it in his pocket. </p><p>Finally, it stopped. But the silence didn't last long. A different ringtone went off. </p><p>Five started to pull away from the hug. </p><p>"Don't demote me!" Ben said. </p><p>"What?" Five said. </p><p>"Don't answer your phone," Ben said. "Don't abandon me." </p><p>Five frowned. He flickered.</p><p>"Am I asking for too many favors?" Ben said. "I'm sorry." </p><p>"Don't be sorry," Five said. "You can have whatever you want." </p><p>"Whatever I want?" </p><p>"Yes," Five said. "Because I love you." </p><p>Ben grinned. "I love you more."</p><p>"So I won't answer the phone," Five said. "Luther can handle it, right? Or do you think he might panic?" </p><p>"He won't panic," Ben said. "He'll just be a little annoyed, but he'll forgive us." </p><p>"Are you sure?" Five said. </p><p>"Yes," Ben lied. </p><p>
  <em>Horrible person! Horrible person! </em>
</p><p>Ben shoved his conscience away. </p><p>"Okay," Five said. "Um, so the zoo. Are you ready to go?" </p><p>"Yes sir!" </p><p>"Great," Five said. "Hang on." </p><p>Ben took that as permission to hug Five back, but he was careful not to squeeze him too tightly. </p><p>Then they jumped to the zoo. </p><p>Later, they found out that Luther did, in fact, panic. </p><p>But he also forgave them, so Ben had been half right. </p>
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